Welcome And Guest Introduction

Rayna Neises 0:00

Welcome to a Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, breaking through the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to see God. Hi, I'm Rayna Neises, your host, and I'm excited to introduce you to Marie Smith today. Marie is the founder of the Golden Hour Coaching and a nationally recognized voice in women's energy, leadership, and transformation. As the bestselling author of Jesus In My Pocket, International Mindset Coach, and Retreat Leader, she helps high-achieving women shift from burnout to vitality using her signature Golden Flow Framework: nourish, move, rest, repeat. She's a certified life and health coach, Clarity Catalyst trainer, and co-author of Heal to Lead: Stories to Turn Your Wounds into Wisdom. A former educator and personal trainer, Marie blends soul and strategy to guide women back to their truth. She lives in Nashville with her family and believes your light is worth protecting. Welcome, Marie. It's so good to have you here today

Marie Smith 1:03

Thank you. I'm excited to talk with you today

Rayna Neises 1:05

Let's start

Redefining Caregiving As Giving Care

Rayna Neises 1:06

off by having you introduce us to what caregiving has looked like in your life

Marie Smith 1:15

Caregiving to me, I have not actually cared for, you know, been the primary caregiver for, anyone other than my children. giving care, I'm gonna define caregiving as giving care, and I have been doing that since I was about four years old. We used to keep foster babies, and, they would come home from the hospital to our house when they were about three days old, and they would get adopted when they were about three weeks old. And from the time I was four till I was in eighth grade, we kept probably 30 different babies, and that was always so exciting when my mom would pick me up from school and there was a new baby in the car. Cause I am the youngest of four, and so I never got to have a little brother or a little sister, and so it was always very exciting to me when we had. And I still to this day, I love, love, love babies. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was in the eighth grade, so that was the end of keeping foster babies. And again, I was there, and being the youngest, I was at home the longest with her while she was sick. So the others had either already moved out or were in college or about to go to college when she first got sick. And, she would have me sometimes if she had fluid that had to be drained off, she would have me drive her, to the hospital. There was a time when she was getting an experimental treatment, and it was in Birmingham, and we lived in Memphis, and so a couple of times I drove her to Birmingham for that. That was caregiving for her was kind of... I was on the periphery and helping out. I have five children, so definitely took good care and still am taking good care of them. My father was diagnosed with cancer and then later Parkinson's, and again, not the primary, but I helped out with that. Sometimes he would come here to Nashville and stay at my sister's house and, she had to do something, I would go over and hang out with him. I'm also a personal trainer, so I would lead him through some exercises to kinda keep his strength up. He liked to get a workout in. And then I could order things on Amazon for him to send to his house in Memphis, so that was another way of caregiving. And then, for about 12 years, I took communion to a nursing home here in Nashville every week. And so that was another facet of caregiving that, meeting them, every week and praying with them and having communion and, caring for their spiritual side

Rayna Neises 3:43

Yeah,

Spiritual Care In Nursing Homes

Rayna Neises 3:44

definitely. So many times I don't think we think about caregivers as children, but I even look back because I was 16 when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and I would never say that I caregive for her at that season, but at the same time my life changed.

Marie Smith 4:01

Yeah

Rayna Neises 4:02

when I look back, there were dynamics that were happening in the background. There was out ways to navigate when she didn't remember something or how to help her to remember things, and honestly, I did it a lot to survive myself, right? Because tell my dad I wasn't doing something or she didn't know where I was, and I knew I had told her, you know, those kinds of things. So you are because your life changes. It's not what it would have been if your mom hadn't had cancer when you were, you know, in high school.

Marie Smith 4:31

I think, that we talked a little bit before about, you know, "Well, I'm not a caregiver. Like, I'm, but I'm your daughter, and so of course I'm gonna get you a glass of water when you need it, but that is giving care. So if you define it as giving care, pretty much everybody on this planet is a caregiver then. We give care to the people that we love. We give care to strangers when we hold a door open or when we pick up something that someone dropped. There's ways of giving care and being a caregiver, caring about other people, without it being this person is an invalid and I'm taking care of them.

Rayna Neises 5:13

Yes.

Marie Smith 5:14

So

Rayna Neises 5:14

Or it's a job, you know, to...

Marie Smith 5:16

Or it's a job. Exactly. Or that's your job as a caregiver that comes into the home or at a nursing home or in someone's private home. Yeah

Rayna Neises 5:25

And I think that also is reflective of taking communion is you're giving care of that spiritual need. And I often thinks we overlook the spiritual needs as people are ill, it changes their ability to access mass or church,

Marie Smith 5:41

Mhm

Rayna Neises 5:42

they become more dependent on people bringing it to them. Again, we're blessed in this day and age to have opportunities to see things online. That wasn't even an option before COVID

Marie Smith 5:53

Right

Rayna Neises 5:54

online. But now at least that's an opportunity to do that, but it's not the same as the fellowship and the companionship that we

Marie Smith 6:01

Right

Rayna Neises 6:02

believers

Marie Smith 6:04

Yeah, I think that is something that people in the nursing home miss the most. One of the men that I would visit, I saw him for probably five years, and every week I would reintroduce myself and, tell him I came from St. Henry's, and he'd say, "Oh, St. Henry's. I haven't been there. You know, I haven't been to a church in this town," 'cause he was from a different city, but I think his daughter lived in Nashville, and so he was moved, to be closer to her. And once he was... in a wheelchair, being able to get him out and take him to Mass it wasn't really an option,

Rayna Neises 6:39

And I think it's true that we, our faith, for those of us that have have walked a faith life, it's been a part of our lives for so many years. And then in those later years, those things like mobility and health and the

Marie Smith 6:56

Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises 6:57

getting sick from all the exposure to other

Marie Smith 7:00

Yeah

Rayna Neises 7:01

It takes that important piece away. And again, looking for ways to feed the soul, it can be really sad and really difficult to lose that. And so I love that that's a ministry that brings it to them and allows them to continue. And like you said, even though he didn't remember you, it was

Marie Smith 7:21

Yeah

Rayna Neises 7:21

moment what a blessing it was for him, and just that nourishment of having communion is such a

Marie Smith 7:27

Oh, and, and they, you know, like I said, he didn't remember me, but he remembered every prayer to say. You know, like, that doesn't go away. I know someone who worked in a nursing home in New Orleans, in Louisiana, which is a very Catholic-heavy, population, and she said they would pray the rosary every day. And she said these people couldn't tell you their name, they didn't recognize their children, they didn't know what they ate for lunch, but they could say every prayer of the rosary easy. Like, that they remembered right off the top of their head. So, like, it doesn't go away. It's still there

Rayna Neises 8:03

Yeah, it's really amazing. I am trained with Teepa Snow in Positive Approach to Care, and one of the things she talks about as dementia overwhelms the brain and areas of the brain are dying, one of the things that stays is religious, song, that rhythmic psalm and then prayers.

Marie Smith 8:19

Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises 8:19

And it really

Marie Smith 8:20

Yeah

Rayna Neises 8:21

it's held in a different part of the brain that for most people is one of the last areas

Marie Smith 8:27

Yeah

Rayna Neises 8:28

that ability. So it is amazing, and so important 'cause it brings such comfort. Even,

Marie Smith 8:34

Yes

Rayna Neises 8:35

though they don't know anything else, there's such peace that comes with that,

Marie Smith 8:38

Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises 8:38

Definitely something that caregivers, if you haven't thought about, you know, thinking about how those spiritual needs are being met what would it look like to do it differently? Because sometimes we just get stuck in what we've always done or the only way to do church is a traditional way. But what ways, you know, are there that are beyond that or outside of that?

Cherished Moments And Time That Matters

Rayna Neises 8:59

So, so share with us a favorite story about caregiving in your life

Marie Smith 9:06

When I was in high school and I would come home, for the reruns of Designing Women and Golden Girls were always on, right after school. And so my mom was usually on the couch, and so I would just snuggle with her on the couch, and we would watch Golden Girls and Designing Women. Being the youngest, I often, I'm like, "My siblings got so much more time with mom than I did." Like, that's not fair 'cause they were alive longer,

Rayna Neises 9:33

Yeah

Marie Smith 9:33

But I think I got that quality, a different kind of quality time, you know? They maybe got, her when she was younger, more capable, doing, different things. But I learned a lot of different things from her than they did. So both have value.

Rayna Neises 9:52

it's so true, and I was 28 when my mom passed away, and she was non-verbal for eight years, the last eight years of her life, so I long for more of a relationship with my mom, but I think that also made me pay more attention with my dad. That

Marie Smith 10:07

Hmm.

Rayna Neises 10:08

that my time was

Marie Smith 10:09

Yeah

Rayna Neises 10:10

and obviously when the diagnosis came in, I was four hours away, but I made it a point, even before I was officially caregiving, to go home once a month and spend time

Marie Smith 10:20

Yeah.

Rayna Neises 10:20

and do whatever he wanted to do.

Marie Smith 10:22

Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises 10:22

and sometimes there were things that we had on the calendar. But just spending that time with him. And I can remember after his diagnosis, his sister was living there. They were doing fine, but every time I would come home, he'd be like, "Rayna, can you help me?" And I'm like, "Sure, what do you need?" And he's like, "There's something wrong with me. Can you take me to the doctor?"

Marie Smith 10:41

Oh.

Rayna Neises 10:41

he'd been diagnosed, but he knew he wasn't

Marie Smith 10:44

He knew something was... Yeah

Rayna Neises 10:46

yeah, so that constant reminder that the time was short.

Marie Smith 10:49

Yeah

Rayna Neises 10:50

that time that you spend with them, it just is different because you realize how precious it is.

Marie Smith 10:56

Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises 10:56

But it's difficult 'cause you do wish it was... We all wish that it was different. I often tell that I'm coaching, "I'm sorry, my magic wand is not available today

Marie Smith 11:05

It's broken.

Rayna Neises 11:07

I

Marie Smith 11:07

is in the shop.

Rayna Neises 11:09

guess. I would fix it. I would make it the way you want it," but it's good

Marie Smith 11:13

Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises 11:13

I don't have that power, right? Only the Lord does.

Marie Smith 11:15

That's right.

Rayna Neises 11:16

What,

Marie Smith 11:17

Yeah

Rayna Neises 11:17

one thing that surprised you about caregiving?

Marie Smith 11:22

I think that it is one of the hardest things to do, but is something that you absolutely will never regret having done. Like, in the moment you might be thinking, "I really wish I were not doing this. There's so many more glamorous things I could be doing right now," right?

Rayna Neises 11:39

For sure.

Marie Smith 11:40

But, in hindsight, you think, "Oh, I'm so glad I did that. I'm so glad I had that time. I'm so glad I stepped up. you're never sad or, regretful of having been there

Rayna Neises 11:55

Yeah. And I love that part of your story and part of what you've highlighted too is that it doesn't have to be family. It can be other people that we can step into and just bring that joy for just that little piece and regularly do that. But at the same time, it doesn't always take a lot.

Marie Smith 12:10

Ja

Rayna Neises 12:11

we have to, it's gonna be a really big deal," and so it doesn't have to be that. But we can really bring a lot of joy to people's lives.

Marie Smith 12:19

When I would be at the nursing home, specifically with that man, for whatever reason, he always reminded me of my dad this was before my dad was really, sick and needed extra help. But I thought I would want someone to come and visit him and bring him communion and let him talk about whatever he wants to talk about, even if it's the same story over and over again. I would want that. And so I'm a big believer in, putting out into the world what you wanna receive back. While maybe I was in Nashville and Dad was in Memphis and I couldn't go do it for him right then, I could do it for this man, and then, that energy's out there. That's, you know, in the Bible it says, you know, whatever ha- I'm not gonna be able to quote it, but, like, how you, whatever you're measured will be measured back to you. Like, however you measure out will be measured back. And so I, I am a true believer in that. I've received so many blessings in my life, and I'm happy to pay them forward, to others also

Rayna Neises 13:21

Yeah, I think that's important, especially with long distance caregiving because oftentimes we don't, think of ourselves as caregivers when we aren't right there doing the hands-on stuff. But there are opportunities to serve and to do from a distance, but then there are also opportunities that are right in front of our face. And so though we can't, like you said, provide for our family, we can do things for others that don't have family right there or don't have the opportunities.

Marie Smith 13:47

Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises 13:48

Share

Seeing God Clearly Through Service

Rayna Neises 13:49

with us a time that comes to mind when you really just saw God so clearly in your caregiving

Marie Smith 13:56

So one time at the nursing home, I was bringing communion to a man that was very near death, and when I started saying the prayers, he started crying, and it looked like he was in pain.

Rayna Neises 14:08

Mm.

Marie Smith 14:09

I stopped and I said, "Are you hurting? Are you okay?" And he said, "No, I, I feel so much joy."

Rayna Neises 14:16

Mm.

Marie Smith 14:17

I thought, oh my gosh, just seeing how joyful he was, to tears,

Rayna Neises 14:22

to tears

Marie Smith 14:23

receive Christ in the Eucharist, I was like, God is here. God is definitely here in this room.

Rayna Neises 14:30

Yeah.

Marie Smith 14:31

It was really powerful

Rayna Neises 14:32

such a blessing. something that if you hadn't put yourself in place to do that, to serve in that way, it would be a blessing that you wouldn't have.

Marie Smith 14:41

Yeah.

Rayna Neises 14:43

So what is one thing that you do to live content, love well, and care without regret?

Marie Smith 14:50

So I start each day with prayer. I have a few different devotional books that are, kinda daily books that I read. Some days it's fast, some days I spend longer, but I do try to start every single day with prayer. And I really try to treat others as I'd like to be treated. I don't always hit the mark. I am definitely impatient. I am a human, so I don't always. But that is something I try very hard to be kind to others. And if I feel that I am either because of what's happening internally with me, or if I'm having a hard day, or if I'm in conflict with... Like, I know that this is not gonna be a kind conversation, I try to, like, let's step back, let's take a moment. But if I can, really treat my family and friends and strangers with kindness and love, then I'm not gonna have any regrets. If I'm doing the best that I can in the moment, then I'm not gonna have, a regret about that

Rayna Neises 15:59

Yeah, definitely. And that's how I define regrets, 'cause a lot of people are kind of pushed back a little bit about how do you do it without regret? Because there's always things that you wish you'd done differently. And like, because to me, the definition is doing what you can the best that you know how in that moment.

Marie Smith 16:14

In the moment, yeah

Rayna Neises 16:16

more later, you do something different or, so you make the

Marie Smith 16:19

Yeah

Rayna Neises 16:20

need to make. But it's not that you're perfect, it's that you know

Marie Smith 16:23

Right

Rayna Neises 16:24

are intentional to do the best that you can in the moment. And the other thing that stood out as you said that is, we only have give what we've received from the Lord, and that patience is a fruit of the Spirit, that kindness

Marie Smith 16:37

is

Rayna Neises 16:37

And only by spending time with the Lord and letting Him pour in do we have it to pour out. And so as caregivers we can be so busy the list of to-dos is always so long, and it always feels like it's not ending. But we have to find ways to fill ourselves with the Lord in order to be able to share it with others. And so I always think, and I appreciate you saying sometimes it's shorter than other times, in this season of life right now what it is that works for you. I know I started listening to the Bible instead of trying to read it myself while I was

Marie Smith 17:14

Mm.

Rayna Neises 17:14

I actually still really enjoy that. I listen to the Bible from cover to cover every year, and it's been really interesting to see the Bible from a large perspective in that way, but also then to just be able to be fed in a different way. And I find, different seasons of life, we just need to find ways that really feed us so that we can be overflowing versus being dry and then not having the Spirit to help us, because our nature is not always to be kind. And so we need Him

Marie Smith 17:44

We have,

Rayna Neises 17:44

able to do that, right?

Marie Smith 17:45

we have to be conscious of like, "Okay, let me take a moment. Like, how would I want someone to respond to me in this moment?" And, giving the grace that we wish to receive, I think is helpful.

Rayna Neises 17:56

for sure

Marie Smith 17:57

there's also now... Like, you can get a devotion on your phone that pops up. You know, there's so many ways. We are so busy, and our phones do... they take over our lives, and allowing... Like, making them work for us rather than against us. And so, like, having that, like, devotional that pops up, finding an app that, you know, like the Hallow app is really great. Just different apps that work for you to remind you, like, "Hey, it's time for, whatever this is today." I know on the Hallow app, Father Mike Schmitz has like two or three minute homilies or something, and it's like just a little nugget, like just something to make you think, and give you that soul nourishment for the day.

Rayna Neises 18:41

Yeah. I also found the Echo app, which reminds you to pray and will help you with a prayer list, and you can actually, if you have more than one person on it, you can share those prayer requests around your circle and also get, the praise reports, which is nice to see.

Marie Smith 18:54

Oh, that is?

Rayna Neises 18:55

and so

Marie Smith 18:55

Yeah

Rayna Neises 18:56

to, to find something. Keep trying new things. It doesn't have to look

Marie Smith 19:00

Yeah.

Rayna Neises 19:00

always looked before. I know for

Marie Smith 19:02

Yeah

Rayna Neises 19:02

I kind of got stuck in that, well, I have to do it this way, and so finding different ways. can be, encouraging but definitely in your season, it makes a big difference,

Marie Smith 19:11

A- and if it is a physical book, putting it somewhere that you're gonna see it every day. Like, is it that you do it with where you sit and have your coffee? Or is it, you know, by your bedside so last thing at night or first thing in the morning you're looking at it?

Rayna Neises 19:23

Yeah, definitely

Marie Smith 19:24

yeah

Starting Out And Asking For Help

Rayna Neises 19:26

So what would be one thing that you would like to encourage caregivers that are just getting started with?

Marie Smith 19:32

I would encourage you, I just wish I had known how much... Like, it can be daunting. It can feel scary and daunting, but there is so much to gain from giving your time and care to other people. Like, when I entered the ministry for taking Eucharist to the homebound, I thought, "I'm gonna make such a difference in these people's lives." That was true. I did. I brought Christ to them when they couldn't come to the church. But the joy and the friendship and the laughter and tears that I experienced with them, that was very surprising to me, and such a gift. Like, I still have very fond memories of some of those pe- And now, you know, Catholics, we ask for people in heaven to pray for us, too. Just like you ask for somebody on Earth to pray for you, you can ask the saints, but also your relatives and friends who are now in heaven, you can ask them to pray for you also. Prayer doesn't know boundaries. It doesn't know time, space, death. So prayer can cross all of that. And so I think that is, something that I wish I had known. And also a reminder that, we don't have to do it all on our own. We can ask for help, and sometimes it is physical help that we need, and sometimes it's just, "I need somebody to pray for me today so that I can make it through." And you have a whole host in heaven to pray for

Jesus In My Pocket And Closing

Marie Smith 21:02

you

Rayna Neises 21:02

Yeah, and that leads right into your book. So share with us a little bit about Jesus In Your Pocket

Marie Smith 21:07

So my book, Jesus in My Pocket: Stories of Grace and Final Chapters in the Nursing Home. So after, spending all that time taking communion to the nursing home, I have lots of stories. And, I first thought of the title probably 10 years before I ever started writing the book. Catholics believe that Jesus is fully present in the Eucharist, and we carry the Eucharist in a little box called a pyx, and you keep it in your pocket. And so I would say, like, "I have Jesus in my pocket. He's right there." And so That title came to me. I'm like, "Oh, that's such a great title. Now what am I gonna do with it?" And so I just started collecting stories and, thinking about the different lessons that I learned from these different people that I would meet. Sometimes I saw them once. Sometimes, like I said, I saw them for five years. You never knew how long someone was gonna be there. But I have stories in here about finding joy, like that story that I told about the man who cried, and said he just felt so much joy. That is in that chapter about finding joy. Purpose and worth, dignity, holding space, community. I have many different lessons that I learned that I write about in the book

Rayna Neises 22:25

And tell us where we can find it

Marie Smith 22:28

So if you're in Nashville, you can find it at St. Mary's bookstore, but you can also find it online anywhere books are sold.

Rayna Neises 22:35

And listeners, I will also have, a link on the show notes page on A Season of Caring, so definitely visit there if you didn't get it jotted down, but Jesus in My Pocket. Thank you so much, Marie, for being here today. I really appreciate you sharing about what caregiving seasons can look like, and just that challenge of giving care.

Marie Smith 22:56

Thank you for having me. I appreciate it

Rayna Neises 22:58

And listeners, thank you for joining us for A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope with Marie. Be sure to like and, share with other caregivers so they can connect with our stories And remember, there is always hope to live content, love well, and care without regrets. If you have financial, legal, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation