Rayna Neises 0:06

Welcome to A Season of Caring Podcast. I'm Rayna Neises, your host, where we share stories of hope for families caregivers, pushing past the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to see God, even in this season. Today I'm excited to introduce you to our special guest, Susan Norcom. Susan has been a Certified Nursing Assistant for over 20 years. Her passion has always been to make a difference in people's lives. She has always loved seniors. Her CNA experience and taking care of her mom for over 10 years is what led her to start True Family Resources and Placement Hospice and Palliative Care Company, with the new addition of KiaCare AI. Susan felt as though she could make a real difference in families' lives by helping them navigate the hardest decisions they'll ever have to make for their loved ones. Susan strives to make her families lives easier so they can have more time to spend with their loved one.

Growing Into Mom’s Caregiver Role

Rayna Neises 1:00

Thank you for being here, Susan. I'm really glad to have you.

Susan Norcom 1:03

Thank you

Rayna Neises 1:05

So start off by telling us a little bit about your mom and what that caregiving season looked like.

Susan Norcom 1:10

Well, my mom has always been my biggest supporter, even as a child. And, I started my caregiving years honestly when I was a child. Because of some things that happened in my family, I was put in the position to where I did need to take care of my mom and make sure she was doing well, and she was also a congenital heart patient, so I always made sure... I love medical, and I always have, and so that just fit right in. And so I just took over that role as a caregiver, even as a young child. As I grew, I just grew into that role more and more. And so I decided to become, a CNA, and like we've said, I've been that for over 20 years, and so I did a lot of home care. But my mom was always there for me. She was a really sweet person. She was same way. She always did things for people in her church. She always wanted to go make s- the people that couldn't come to church, she always wanted to go visit them. She used to take her lady friends with her, and they used to get in the car and go visit, and that was the highlight of her Sunday. She loved going to church, and then after church, going to do that. So but she was a very special person in my life, for sure

Rayna Neises 2:31

So as her heart condition continued to progress, is that where, that dependence really came on you? Or what was it then like for her?

Susan Norcom 2:40

My dad passed away suddenly back in 2013, so that kind of prompted me to step in and do what I needed to do. We had to get their house sold, so we had to have two estate sales because my dad had so much stuff, and so I had to help her with that. It was a good thing though because then it prompted me to start taking care of her. And then I decided that I was going to age her in place, so I decided to move her in with me. And so we lived together for a very long time until basically she took her last breath.

Rayna Neises 3:17

Yeah. Those life changes can be so hard, especially when they've been married for a really long time, because it is just losing this whole piece of yourself, and so it's so difficult. And then to deal with that grief and then to have to move and like you said, you have to get rid of the things because you don't need them, but it's just one more difficult transition, so it can be really hard. I think so many

Cracker Barrel Memories And Presence

Rayna Neises 3:45

times caring for that last parent looks so different than it did before when they had each other, so it can definitely be more challenging. So share with us a favorite caregiving memory that you have

Susan Norcom 3:59

The favorite, the most favorite caregiving memory I have, gosh, I have a lot a- actually because I really did enjoy taking care of her, and I s- do miss it.

Rayna Neises 4:09

Mm-hmm.

Susan Norcom 4:09

but the, you know, something so simple as taking her to Cracker Barrel. Mm was her favorite thing to do, was, would be to go to Cracker Barrel and eat, and we got to know the waitresses there, one in particular that I still stay in touch with to this day. But that was a really good, memory that I have. And watching certain TV shows that she loved to watch. 'Cause I would often sit there and think, "I'm gonna do this," even though I had other things that I really needed to be doing. I t- you know, I would think, "One day she's not gonna be here, and I won't get to do this anymore."

Rayna Neises 4:50

Yeah. It's so important that we do drive our decisions with that in mind. We can't sit and watch TV with them all the time 'cause somebody has to do all the other stuff, but we definitely need to spend the time and do- doing those things. And it is funny how it might not be your favorite place to eat, but once they're gone, you kind of miss it a little bit because you've always done that together and

Susan Norcom 5:14

Yes, exactly. I just, miss talking to her. I miss having her just to be right around the corner, and if I had an issue, if I had a problem that I wanted to talk to her about, I really miss not being able to talk with her. I really do.

Rayna Neises 5:30

yeah.

Susan Norcom 5:30

I tried not to take it for granted when she was alive, because I knew one day that God would call her home

Rayna Neises 5:38

I often say, the caregiving journey was not something I would have chosen, but it's something I'm so thankful for because I think so many times as adults, we lived with our parents, we had a relationship with them when we were younger, and then we go out and we have our own life, and caregiving brings us back to a place where we see them more, we spend more time with them and interact with them, and it's just a blessing because if we stay busy in our own life,

Family Caregiving Emotions And Detachment

Rayna Neises 6:05

they can be a part of it, but it's, there's just nothing the same as day in and day out interaction that you have with them.

Susan Norcom 6:12

That's very true

Rayna Neises 6:13

So what would you say was most surprising to you as you stepped into the caregiving role?

Susan Norcom 6:18

I think the most surprising thing was, honestly just how much I loved her and how much I really cared for her.

Rayna Neises 6:27

Mm.

Susan Norcom 6:27

It really makes you stop and think when you have to do things day in and day out, taking care of that person, you really see how much you really love that person. Everybody loves their mom and dad. But when you're taking care of them, there is just nothing like that particular kind of love

Rayna Neises 6:48

Yeah, and as a CNA, you probably really had a comparison that many of us don't as far as how you cared for, and obviously you did care for the people you were caring for, but how different it was to be doing that for your mom.

Susan Norcom 7:01

It's very different when you're taking care of a parent or a grandparent than actually going out to do, I call it God's work, someone else's home.

Rayna Neises 7:13

Well, and I tell family caregivers too that I think there's a benefit of having paid caregivers help you because they don't have any of the baggage or relationship stuff. Even if it's not bad relationship stuff, there's still things that, we see them differently than someone who just walked in the door and met them for the first time. The emotional side of caregiving can be really challenging if you're not aware of it. Just your own grief, that anticipatory grief, just all of those different pieces of it. And so I think the balance of having paid caregivers with family caregivers can give you, really good care because sometimes those paid caregivers can just say and do things that you wouldn't do as a daughter.

Susan Norcom 7:59

Yeah, that is very true. There's a lot of different family dynamics when you're a CNA than when you go into someone else's home that you do have to understand, and it may not be what you believe, but it's what they believe.

Rayna Neises 8:14

Right

Susan Norcom 8:15

right. So yeah, and as far as the emotional side of things go, yeah, sometimes you have to learn how to, The, the word I really wanna use is disconnect, but that's, in some instances that's good, in some instances that's not good.

Rayna Neises 8:32

Yeah

Susan Norcom 8:33

I did get connected to the families, and sometimes these family, I mean, there's just times where sometimes the families will stay in touch with you for long after you've stopped taking care of a family member because you do. It's sometimes it's hard not to get connected. it's Mmhmm and then there's also other times where you need to disconnect,

Rayna Neises 8:55

I think the emotional side of caregiving is one that we don't really think as much about sometimes, but takes care. It definitely takes you caring for your own emotional side.

Susan Norcom 9:05

a caring person, right

Rayna Neises 9:07

And the spiritual, which is the next question. You

Seeing God Show Up

Rayna Neises 9:10

know, when you think back of times with your mom, what really stands out of a time where you just really saw God show up in taking care of her?

Susan Norcom 9:18

There was just so many times where I saw God show up because she lived 50-plus years past what she was ever supposed to live.

Rayna Neises 9:26

Wow

Susan Norcom 9:27

That was a huge blessing for our family, for sure. But yeah, I felt God showed up in all kinds of ways when I was taking care of her. For one, for giving me strength to keep going, because let's just face it, it's hard to watch a loved one decline.

Rayna Neises 9:44

It is

Susan Norcom 9:45

I'm just thankful that I have faith that I could rely on and get that strength, that I could keep, keep going and keep doing what I was doing

Rayna Neises 9:55

Definitely. He is such a... He's the only way that I, I can't imagine caregiving without Him. But I do think one of the things, there's so many things truth about, His character and about what He t- He tells us in His Word. But even just knowing that our days are numbered, knowing that, that part of this i- it's all planned out, that it's really not dependent on me to keep him alive or to do more, whatever you wanna say in that blank. But, but it really, God knows already. And so, relying on Him for the strength and the trust to just do each thing each day and do the best that you can, I think can be so comforting. When it all relies on us, that's terrifying.

Susan Norcom 10:41

Yes. Well, 'cause s- sometimes you may not know what to say or what to do,

Rayna Neises 10:47

Yes

Susan Norcom 10:47

That's why leaning on God really does help that. It really does. And you said something that really, I thought about, because towards the end, it's hard to talk to your loved one, especially when you know there's nothing else doctors can actually do. You know they've done everything that they can do, and they look at you and they say, "Why can't you help me?"

Rayna Neises 11:08

Mm.

Susan Norcom 11:09

You gotta have strength. You gotta have faith. You gotta have God's strength in that moment, because you know yourself that there's nothing more than they could do. But she just, she wasn't there yet, 'cause she thought that there was more that they could do because, and partly it was because of myself, because I was always the one that did

How Hospice Supports Families

Susan Norcom 11:30

that, that I always helped her get better,

Rayna Neises 11:32

Yep

Susan Norcom 11:33

it was hard for her to disconnect from that towards the end.

Rayna Neises 11:39

Yeah, and I know one of the things, in your bio that I mentioned is that you help families connect with hospice, and I think that can be such a valuable piece that my family didn't have the opportunity to really benefit from because we signed up for hospice on Friday afternoon and my dad was gone by Monday morning. So that was a very short window, and honestly not a great experience. But I think, for a lot of people, I believe hospice provides really invaluable care. And one of the pieces of it is, is just having that professional to call and say, "Hey, this is what we're experiencing. Is this normal? What... should we-- should I be doing something different? Should we... just to help answer all the questions

Susan Norcom 12:22

Yes, exactly. Hospice is a great resource. There's no doubt about it. I fully believe in it because I saw what they did for my own mother, and I was so grateful that they were there in the end. They provide so much support. They provide social workers. They provide chaplains, and I mean, I could just keep going on and on. To me, it's such a blessing to have a hospice company involved with your loved one, when the time is right.

Rayna Neises 12:52

Mm-hmm. And that even can be, difficult to decide, right? And one of the things as we were reaching that point, my sister and I, the conversation we had was, you know, well, how do we know? Is this time or not time? And I always encourage people it doesn't hurt to make a phone call and ask the questions, Because they might qualify, they might not qualify, but you don't know until you ask. And so I think it's encouraging to, to go ahead and reach out and, and let them ask the questions. Also then do your research and maybe talk to more than one company so you really understand, you know, who you'll be working with and what kind of services you can receive.

Susan Norcom 13:30

Absolutely.

Rayna Neises 13:31

One of the questions I like to ask is how do you, live

No Regrets And Last-Parent Grief

Rayna Neises 13:35

content, love well, and care without regrets?

Susan Norcom 13:38

My faith is in God, and so I look to him a lot. I talk to him a lot. Life can be hard. So the only thing that I really know to do to help would be to talk to God and have my faith. I don't live with regret. I never have and never will. I have no regrets for taking care of my mother, even though it, I sacrificed a lot of my last 11 years. But I didn't really look at it as sacrificing. I looked at it as, as something that I should be doing. And, so therefore, when she passed away, it was the most beautiful passing I think I've ever seen in my life, and none of the family had any regrets because I let them know, ahead of time whenever they should come over, they should come see her. Talk to her, bring the great-grandkids and do all that. And, so I ha- I don't, I don't live with regrets. I don't. and living well, honestly, I try to exercise as much as I can. My heart has always been to reach out to people and help people and make a difference in people's lives, so I'm continuing to do that, and I feel like I'm carrying on my mother's legacy 'cause she did the same thing

Rayna Neises 14:52

Mm-hmm. That's beautiful. So one last question what is one thing you wish you had known when you first started caregiving?

Susan Norcom 15:02

One thing I think that I wish I had known is, how much you get attached to what you're doing. Even me being a CNA, I knew what all was going to be involved, I didn't really think about how attached I was going to get to it because when she passed away, I really missed it. I missed taking care of her. I missed talking to her. And so I think that is definitely one of the things that I didn't expect. Even though I'd been a caregiver for her years ago before I really started taking care of her when she lived with me, there's just an attachment there that develops that is undeniable. It

Rayna Neises 15:46

And it's something that, like you said, it's so hard, and in a lot of ways very draining, you know, when you're caring for two, 'cause you're caring for yourself and for them. And, or at least you should be. If you're not, you need to work on that. And so it does take a lot, but. One of the things that once they're gone is our brains have been wired to consider them I mean, there's, there's always that other detour, in your thoughts of, of the person, of considering them and whether they're safe, whether they're okay, whether they need you right now. And so that suddenly changes. The way our brains are wired is that we're gonna keep going there until we make a new pathway where we don't have to consider them in everything that we do. And that can be really hard. It does leave a really big hole in your life, when it's been a, so much a part of your life

Susan Norcom 16:38

Absolutely. I will tell you right up front, there's one store that I absolutely have not, I cannot go back into And I, and she's almost been gone one whole year now, and I still can't bring myself to go back into it. I will eventually, but going into that store, she loved that store. She Mmhmm around in that store, and it just won't be the same.

Rayna Neises 17:03

Yeah.

Susan Norcom 17:04

So I totally understand what you're saying.

Rayna Neises 17:07

Yeah. It's hard to let them go, and I think one of the things that helped me whenever I had the realization I've never known this earth without my dad

Susan Norcom 17:16

Right.

Rayna Neises 17:17

So of course I'm gonna feel lost. Of course it feels different for him not to be here

Susan Norcom 17:23

Exactly. I had to wrap my head around not having any parents left.

Rayna Neises 17:28

Yeah

Susan Norcom 17:29

You just feel like that, "Who do I have now?" I mean, because you relied on your parents for so long, your whole life,

Rayna Neises 17:38

Yes, that's all you've ever known, yeah. It definitely is a different feeling. I think there's a deeper grief for the last one, and I, I'm not sure if it's because we do, we are more involved in their journey home, walking them home, or if it's because they are the last one. But I agree. I'd heard that before, and I kinda, oh, you know, just really not thought a whole lot about it. But, the... It, it hit me pretty hard when my dad was gone that I'm like, "Oh, wow." So it's really interesting. Yeah.

Susan Norcom 18:08

You do

Rayna Neises 18:09

And of course, I had a good relationship with my parents, and I had overall healthy parents, but there's no one in this life who loves me the same or as unconditionally as my parents did. You know, the Lord loves us more and even more unconditionally, but they're the closest that we had to, to Him, and so I think it's interesting that you just... I felt like I was untethered. It was like that was my safe place. I could always go back to that place. No matter where else I went, that was where I could go back to and know that I would always be embraced and loved, and it was very untethering. I felt like, oh, I'm just out here now without him, without anyone. And, and it was a process of me then saying, "That's not true." It's just how it feels, right?

Susan Norcom 18:56

Yes, exactly

Rayna Neises 18:58

yeah. The truth is there are other people in your life who really love you and adore you, but there, it's, nothing's the same as your parents. That's for sure, so

Susan Norcom 19:04

No, it is a different kind of love. There, like the unconditional love that, I mean, 'cause you do wonder if there's anybody else out there that will love you the way that they did.

Rayna Neises 19:13

Yeah

Susan Norcom 19:14

I did, that thought did run through my mind after my mom passed away. I was like, "Oh my gosh, now what?"

Rayna Neises 19:22

Yeah.

Susan Norcom 19:23

I mean, as a CNA and after you know, aging her at home, I mean, there was a hole right there where

Rayna Neises 19:30

Huge.

Susan Norcom 19:32

Goodness sake, you know? And nobody will sit in the chair. The dog won't even sit in the chair. I mean, because they know it's Mom's

Rayna Neises 19:38

It was hers.

Susan Norcom 19:39

chair,

Building TruFamily Resources

Susan Norcom 19:40

you

Rayna Neises 19:40

Yeah.

Susan Norcom 19:41

So yeah, but it's just a whole different world when they're gone.

Rayna Neises 19:45

It is.

Susan Norcom 19:46

is

Rayna Neises 19:47

Because of that hole probably, you found yourself creating this new company and these new resources for families to help them in their journey. Share with us a little bit more about that

Susan Norcom 19:58

Yes, it led me to create TruFamily Resources LLC. I, wanted to keep giving back. I wanted to keep making a difference, and I knew that there was a need for senior placement in the world. I knew that there was a need to hand-hold families and to help them understand that this is a huge decision that they need somebody to help guide them through the process. And so that's what I do. I hand-hold my families. I schedule the tours. I do the tours for them. They are more than welcome to come along. get all the paperwork. I sort through the paperwork so they know exactly what they're signing. and then once I get their loved one placed, I don't just cut them off. I stay in contact with the family to make sure that their loved one's getting the care that they deserve.

Rayna Neises 20:55

It's a beautiful way to, again, honor your mom's memory and continue that passion that you've always had in helping families. I'm sure your families are very blessed, and that's definitely one of the things to look at is, is to look for those local resources. And I always say the best ones are those that have walked it and really do, have experienced it, and they know how to help you through it. So thanks for doing that, Susan. It's been great to have you today.

Susan Norcom 21:19

Thank you so much for having me on. I've enjoyed it. Thank you

Final Encouragement And Disclaimer

Rayna Neises 21:23

And thank you listeners for joining us today for stories of hope with Susan, on the Season of Caring Podcast. Encouraging you, to live content, love well, and care without regrets. If you have financial, legal, or medical questions, be sure to contact your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation