Dr. Edward Smink: 0:00

Caregiving is a wonderful vocation, but it’s also involved with a lot of exhaustion. It’s also involved with a lot of grieving, because what happens is that as the spouse or loved one starts to decline, that affects the caregiver and it’s important that they develop some type of self-care.

Rayna Neises (2): 0:25

Welcome to a Season of Caring Podcast, where there’s hope for living, loving and caring, with no regrets. This is Rayna Neises your host, and I’d like to introduce you to our guest today, Dr. Edward Smink.

Rayna Neises: 0:38

Edward Smink is the founder of the Soul the Caregiving Coaching Practice. He’s a speaker, coach, and author of The Soul of Caregiving, a Caregivers’s Guide to Healing and Transformation. Edward holds an associate degree in nursing from Newton Junior College, a BA in psychology from Boston College, an MA in counseling psychology and an MA and PhD in Depth Psychology from Pacific Graduate Institute. He’s a former registered nurse, healthcare executive in mission, values, spirituality, ethics, end of life and community health. He holds a title as a Board Certified Chaplain with a National Association of Catholic Chaplains and is an Associate Coach with the International Coach Federation. He attributes his skills from his experience at the bedside as well as overcoming severe compassion fatigue and burnout. He offers hope to those suffering from compassion fatigue because he knows it is possible to move from isolation and fear to renewed hope and energy. Welcome. Thank you so much for being with us today, Dr. Ed.

Dr. Edward Smink: 1:46

Thank you, Rayna. It’s, it’s a great pleasure to be on your program.

Rayna Neises: 1:52

Well, we’re talking to family caregivers, so I wanted you to talk a little bit about that caregiver role and how you see that.

Dr. Edward Smink: 2:01

Caregivers are often not given enough credit for the work that they do, and I think 50% of caregivers are those that work at home. They’re not given the proper recognition of the work that they do often spouses thrust into the role of caregiving, and what usually happens is that, they find that they’re going through many different roles. They may be the wife or the husband or significant other, and all of a sudden now they’re the caregiver and there’s something different that happens. Because there’s a change of roles and, and that takes a while to get used to. If we’re dealing with a particular dementia of the spouse, then, then oftentimes what happens is we try to relate to them as we normally did, which is okay, but what doesn’t happen is we don’t get the response back that we used to get, and that frustrates the care. Because they, their expectation is, Well, we always talked about this and we had a great conversation, but now that person doesn’t understand it. And what also happens, especially if they’re seriously ill, they don’t have the energy to tell the story. They don’t have the means to communicate the way they used to. And that’s what’s difficult for the home caregiver is to go step by step with each stage of of the care that they get. Now what happens is oftentimes they feel guilty when they ask for help. They think they could take care of it all by themselves, and what happens is they become overwhelmed and frustrated and even resentful. I had a, a character say, I, I just wanna kill my husband. Well, I mean, there’s times when we feel that, you know, but the bottom line is, Okay, let’s talk about that. I know you don’t really wanna kill him, but what’s really going on? And so, you know, to sort that out. I had an a client who’s father had Alzheimer’s and she brought him home to care for him. And she was telling me how exhausted she was and how tired, and I said, Do you have any one that could help you? Could your husband help you or do you have siblings or, or children? And she said, Oh, my husband asked all the time could he help? And I said, Duh. Do. Do you ask him to help? No. Well see she wanted to control everything instead of realizing that her husband could help her, help her father. So caregiving is a wonderful vocation, a wonderful vocation, but it’s also involved with a lot of exhaustion. It’s also involved with a lot of and grieving, because what happens is that as the spouse or loved one starts to decline, that affects the caregiver,

Rayna Neises: 5:19

Mm.

Dr. Edward Smink: 5:20

and it’s important that they develop some type of self-care.

Rayna Neises: 5:25

So what brings you joy in your coaching or the work that you do?

Dr. Edward Smink: 5:31

My greatest joy is when I’m coaching with a family or a client, is when they discover their own inner strength. That they discover they can deal with the particular situation, like the cloud that circles them like pigpen in Peanuts character is, is dissipated. And, and they become like Snoopy, the happy dancer, I mean metaphorically. So when they, when they feel that they can see the light through the tunnel, that’s the greatest joy of knowing that I facilitated in some small way. They’re rediscovery of the themselves, the rediscover of them dealing with the issues that they need to deal with and finding the energy to do it.

Rayna Neises: 6:21

So I know one of the pieces that is often said is that caregivers feel compassion fatigue. Tell us more about what that is and, and how we know if we have that.

Dr. Edward Smink: 6:33

Well. Charles Figley wrote a book on compassion fatigue, and what he says is, All caregivers experience compassion fatigue. It’s not a mental illness. It’s something we all experience and he says we all experience it because we care. And because we care we keep on caring and we get exhausted. It’s something we love to do but we don’t take care of ourselves enough and we develop severe compassion fatigue that’s different from burnout. Burnout has to do with a situation where I’m not recognized as a person. I’m not recognized for my human qualities. I’m working with an organization and I’m like a clog in a wheel, and I keep trying and trying and trying, but I don’t get the normal human satisfaction of a job well done. And so I feel like I can’t break through the glass ceiling. I had an experience of severe burnout 20 or 30 years ago, and I remember talking with this wonderful coach and he saved my life. So there’s another aspect of the importance of getting a coach, of getting someone that could help you. And I said after a month, I said, You know, where am I on the scale of one to 10, and he said, Edward, you’re between eight and nine, and I consider 10 irreversible. That’s how ill, I became, because I kept giving and giving and giving and giving, and I worked with two other people for this nonprofit organization and they never complimented me on my input.

Rayna Neises: 8:24

Wow.

Dr. Edward Smink: 8:24

I had to get out of that painful situation and I then remembered Leo said a year earlier, if you ever need help, call me. And I called. So he, he saved my life and I was able slowly, I saw him three times a week and then twice a week, and then once a week, and then every other week and once a month for a year and a half. And I recognized that the process took a while and that’s so countercultural because we think we’re gonna be zapped like St. Paul falling off this horse. You know, it doesn’t happen that that quickly.

Rayna Neises: 9:07

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Edward Smink: 9:08

And so I realized that I really wanna work with caregivers who are experiencing compassion for fatigue, burnout, and, and how to watch the symptoms. So it can affect you emotionally. It can affect you physically and it can affect you spiritually. Spiritually means you, you lose your gas. It’s like, I don’t feel love anymore for my spouse. I don’t feel joy in what I’m doing. I become, instead of a care giver, I become a caretaker,

Rayna Neises: 9:41

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Edward Smink: 9:42

and I’ve lost that inner strength and so there’s the spiritual issue involved in it. Emotionally I may become emotionally unstable. I may become a, a ticking time bomb. I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I become very sharp and snappy and opinionated. I isolate myself. I don’t wanna relate to other people. Then physically it could be that, I have a difficulty in sleeping or eating either undereating or overeating. It could be going to addictive behaviors that happen because I’m not recognizing my need for help. Now, in my research, I recognize that there’s three cultural taboos that prevent caregivers in seeking help. It comes from our Ratio Elder Myth, which means if we just keep trying harder, we can get it done. And it doesn’t happen that way. I mean, I lived in Kansas for forty years and I remember if there a fire, everyone in the community went and helped, you know, you didn’t have to do it by yourself. There was that sense of collaboration. And so the first taboo has to do with, do I recognize there’s something going on in me? Do I trust those interior movements in me or trust others? And what we often do is we don’t admit that we need help because we think we’re invincible. We think we’re like Superman or Superwoman and we’re not. The second taboo is don’t talk to anyone about your experiences. Don’t tell your story. We all have stories that, you know, I’m dealing with my spouse and I’m at my wit end and I need to share that with someone. What happens is we don’t tell our story because we think we’re gonna be shamed or ridiculed. What do you mean you can’t handle your job? You’ve been married 30 years. What do you mean you’re feeling you don’t love that person anymore? All these things come up and so you, you need to find someone you can trust that will listen to you. So that’s another factor that caregivers don’t want advice. They want someone to listen to them. When you find yourself listen to and find yourself being heard, you’re able to begin the process of real healing and transformation. The third taboo we’re taught is don’t show any emotions. You know, stiff upper lip, big boys don’t cry and big girls are just too emotional and they’re both wrong, you know, because we do have emotion and we do have emotion to tramatic experiences .They’re normal. I mean, just think of a group of firefighters after a terrific car crash. They take care of it, they deal with it, but then they, carry vicariously the impact of that situation. And so can they say to one of their peers, you know, I’m really sad over what happened. I feel I want to cry. I don’t know what I’m feeling. We don’t do that and because we don’t do that, that’s what I mentioned earlier in our conversation, we’ve become like a ticking time bomb. So we don’t trust and ask for help because we think we’re invisible. We don’t share our story because we don’t think we’ll be heard. And the third is we don’t show our emotions because emotions are dangerous. I had to recognize with in my own situation that I was very angry. I was angry at myself for not taking care of myself, but I was also angry at the two other director that I felt actually abused who I was as a person. So I had to struggle with accepting anger. I came from an alcoholic family and my father was a rageaholic and so I learned, you know, anger is dangerous. Now none of us grew up thinking, Oh, if we ever get angry, we will be told by our parents, Oh, good, I’m glad you’re angry.

Rayna Neises: 14:33

Yeah.

Dr. Edward Smink: 14:34

So those are the three taboos. And if we learn the opposite of each of them through coaching or reaching out for help, we’re able to trust ourselves. And that’s why I use the word Soul of Caregiving, because we get in touch with that deeper self in us. I like to think of Moses reaching out to God in, the Sistine Chapel where he’s reaching out and God is touching him. And in that space is where the sacred and the human meet. And I call that our soul, and it’s the living principle within us that makes us alive and well. And so if we’re able to, number one, recognize an issue, reach out to someone that we trust because we’re human and as human, we’re social. And healing occurs mostly when we’re with another.

Rayna Neises: 15:48

Mm.

Dr. Edward Smink: 15:50

Healing occurs in relationship, whether it’s with ourself that we’re able to see ourselves or if it’s with another, with our creator with creation. When we’re able to be in relationship, that’s what aids us in our, particular healing and. Dr. Eric Grundy talks about those three particular steps of recognizing we have an issue, of telling our story and then finding ways of self-care because we’re heard.

Rayna Neises: 16:25

So the opposite, or I guess I think of it in this way, or maybe it’s a tool to use with compassion fatigue or to avoid burnout, is resilience. So tell us a little bit about compassion resilience, and preventative resilience.

Dr. Edward Smink: 16:41

Compassion resilience means that we are able to absorb a situation but it doesn’t take us off balance. It has to do with, I have created boundaries and most of us do create boundaries, in dealing with difficult situations. So there’s a natural sense of, of self defense that’s there, but don’t build the wall so, high or so thick that you don’t experience what’s happening. And so resilience has to do with that attitude of hospitality. I welcome the situation, but I have the boundaries there and I’m able to, understand what’s going on without getting totally absorbed in it. So an an example is I was in a patient conference and this mother whose daughter was in her thirties, had a massive bleed in her brain. And she was in the intensive care unit and the neurologist said, my school of thinking is to let the bleed take its course and then we’ll operate. The other school is operate right away. And that’s what the mother wanted to do. So I worked with the family and with the neurosurgeon to get her transferred to another hospital. So she comes back about two weeks later into our rehab unit So I go into the room and at first I don’t recognize them. I didn’t recognize them until she said, Oh, do you remember me? And then I remembered her and I said, Yes, I do. And she said, Oh, it was, it was, that neurosurgeon was terrible, you know? And she goes on, on and on and on. And I like adding kerosene to a fire, saying, Well, I remember being there and I remember how thoughtful she was and helping you get transferred. Well, she blew up vitriolic and I was covered with me. It would be like a whole bunch of murdy just thrown at me. And I don’t remember leaving the room, but I remember going out of the building into the hospital section, going up to the fifth floor where I have a social worker friend and I come out of the elevator and she says Ed, what happened to you? You looked terrible. And I said, Don’t say a word. I have to scrape all this murdy off of. I actually went li, you know, with my hands, like scraping because it wasn’t about me.

Rayna Neises: 19:37

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Edward Smink: 19:38

See, that’s the issue. I didn’t take it personally, but I had to recognize I was covered in murdy and we call it something else, but I’m being polite. And so I was able to do that and be a witness, but also recognize it wasn’t about me. It was about a mother who was grieving over her daughter’s handicap. Now, because of the bleed she had in her brain. She now was paralyzed and so that patriotic had to come out somewhere. And guess who got it?

Rayna Neises: 20:18

And as family caregivers, we often are the receivers from the person that we’re caring for because of that frustration and pent up feelings. And so it is important to be able to find that boundary and take on what you need to take on, but to allow the others to come off, such an important skill and difficult to do on a day to day basis when we’re caring for somebody who’s not appreciative and not seeing what we’re doing for them.

Dr. Edward Smink: 20:46

You’re right, and, that may bring up the situation. I can’t do this.

Rayna Neises: 20:53

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Edward Smink: 20:54

I may need other help, or I may need to recognize that this person needs to go into a care center. So there’s that part of it. The other, other part of it is if that person has some type of cognitive function, the caregiver can say, Honey, I know you’re angry but don’t be angry at me. So the caregiver can actually separate it and I would be just as angry, but you can vent your anger, but don’t be angry at me.

Rayna Neises: 21:38

It’s important, and that’s the ability to communicate that boundary I can be here to support you, but that doesn’t mean that I need to take the abuse if that’s intentional.

Dr. Edward Smink: 21:49

I agree with you My, my sister had to tell her husband that he was suffering from from a, a blood cancer and at times he would just blow up at her. And, and she said, I love you, but I’m not gonna take your anger. So she, she actually said, I’m not gonna take your anger. You could be angry as hell, at what’s going on? But I don’t be angry with me. That’s where I learned this, you know, because she was telling me this and I, again, we’re always learning as caregivers,

Rayna Neises: 22:21

You’ve mentioned self care and definitely being an important part of. Boarding against that burnout and even the compassion fatigue. Can you give us a quick idea of self-care and why that’s so important.

Dr. Edward Smink: 22:39

Self-care is the ability to reflect and take care of yourself. And it could be having a another caregiver, a family member, come in for a half a day and taking the day off. Doing whatever you wanna do. Spacing the time of your day that if, if the person is taking a nap, you can take an hour or two for yourself. I mean, it’s very little things. And then it may be bigger things, like there’s a restless programs where you could bring the person there for the. So you have the whole day free, or if you have siblings or children, they could also come and help. Unfortunately, in our culture, if there’s brothers and sisters, sister always winds up being the caregiver. And so I was talking to a client once and I said, You know, you have to say I’m off this weekend. She’s your mother. You have to come this weekend. Once a month you have to come, but she had to stand up to them..

Rayna Neises: 23:49

So many times I think that people just look at what you’re doing and say, Oh, you’re doing such a good job you don’t need anything. You don’t need me to come in. You don’t need any help. And sometimes as caregivers, like you said, that controlling part comes in and we’re not very good at receiving help, But it’s so important to be willing to ask for it and be direct. You can’t just assume someone’s gonna notice how tired you are or that it’s not going well right now and offer that.

Dr. Edward Smink: 24:22

Yeah, you can say, Yes, I am doing a good job, but I’m exhausted. Can you help me?

Rayna Neises: 24:27

Exactly. Yeah.

Dr. Edward Smink: 24:28

See, that’s the issue. Can you help me?

Rayna Neises: 24:30

Help.

Dr. Edward Smink: 24:31

It’s a, it’s the biggest and easiest thing to say for self-care.

Rayna Neises: 24:39

So important. Well, thank you so much, Dr. Ed, for spending some time with us and sharing about the importance of understanding even compassion fatigue and burnout and how that is impacting us as caregivers, as well as those three steps to really go back and think about how to prevent it or help us to recover. If we’re finding ourselves already in that zone, tell ’em our audience, how they can find you and get in touch with.

Dr. Edward Smink: 25:05

They can go. my website, which is www.soulofcaregiving.com. If they’re interested in my book, The Soul of Caregiving, a Caregivers Guide to Healing and Transformation, they could order it through my website or they can go to Amazon. It’s, it’s a book of reflection that helps them begin to understand and go deeper to that place, which I call soul, where they’re able to make appropriate choices and decisions. One of the things I learned, and I forgot to mention this earlier, is that when I was going through burnout myself, I said to Leo, I said, Well, I wanna do what the Holy Spirit wants me to do. And he said, The Holy Spirit wants you to do what’s the easiest thing. And so when we find ourself overwhelmed with chores or different choices, can we say to ourself, What’s the easiest thing to do? I have used that for the last 30 years, and if I’m exhausted, I’ll say, I’m gonna take a nap, then I’m gonna go do X, Y, and Z. Or, I’m gonna pick the low hanging fruit, and that helps me realize that it’s not all chaotic and helps me not to be overwhelmed. So that’s probably the biggest key I could leave with everyone do. What’s the easiest thing to do?

Rayna Neises: 26:27

Thank you. I love your definition of self-care too, because I think what we get hung up on is thinking that self-care are things to do when what you said all it is, is reflecting on what you need. And that’s the very first step to meeting our own need, is actually knowing what that need is. And if we don’t take time to reflect, we never identify it. We can go and get a massage all that we want, if that’s not what we need to restore us or to give us the energy to reengage with our loved ones needs, then it’s not gonna do us any good. So thank you for a wonderful opportunity to talk today, and we really appreciate having you on today.

Dr. Edward Smink: 27:09

Thank you. My pleasure.

Rayna Neises: 27:11

This episode of A Season of Caring Podcast has been brought to you by the Encouragement Series, Hope Over Regrets, living with hope while caring for your overall wellbeing and avoiding the regrets of looking back and wishing you’d done something different. This free faith-based series will be coming in November. If you would like to get on a list to hear all the updates and learn more about each of the speakers, visit www.encouragementseries.com, you’ll get all the details first that’s encouragement series.com. And remember. A Season of Caring Podcast is created for the encouragement of family caregivers if you have financial legal or medical questions be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.