Rayna Neises: [00:00:00] Welcome to A Season of Caring Podcast, where there’s hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. I’m Rayna Neises, your host, and I am really glad that you’re here with me today. As we sit in this season that holds both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, there are a lot of messages floating around. Best mom ever, world’s greatest dad, beautiful tributes, and pictures of really happy families. And for some of you, that fits. You had or still have parents who loved you well. Caring for them is still hard, but the foundation, it’s warm. But I also know there are many of you listening to whom that is not the story at all. And I want to say this right up front. Today’s episode is especially for those of you who are caring for someone who it’s not been easy to love. That might be a mom or a dad. It might be a step-parent or an in-law, even a spouse or grandparents, and even a non-relative whose function like family. The common thread is this. You are caring for someone who has also wounded you. So today we’re going to talk about where God is in this complicated love. When caregiving reopens old hurts and when you’re doing the right thing but your heart is full of mixed emotions and when you wonder what honoring looks like in a relationship that was never really been safe. And I do want to say before we go any further that this is not my personal story. I had a very loving relationship with my parents, both my mom and my dad. So stepping into care for them, it really wasn’t difficult, but it came out of an established bond of love and respect. But over the years, as I’ve walked with caregivers as a coach and as a host of this podcast, I’ve met many, many people of whom that is not the case. And one of those caregivers is my friend and former guest, Kensey Oglesby. And her story, it gives us a powerful picture of how God can meet us even in the midst of broken places So let’s step into this gently together. We’re gonna start off by just really naming the complicated reality. If you’re listening today and you’re caring for someone who’s hurt you, I wanna begin by naming what that can feel like. Maybe some of you, this will sound familiar. You’re the one making the calls, managing the appointments, handling the money, making sure that they’re safe, and at the same time, you’re carrying memories of harsh words, constant criticism, neglect even, and maybe even outright abuse. You might find yourself thinking things like,”I’m changing your sheets and giving you meds, but part of me is still a little kid who never felt wanted. I’m driving you to the doctor, and you’ve never even had a real healthy conversation. Everyone around me calls you sweet and kind, but that’s not the person that I grew up with.” If that’s you, I want you to hear this clearly. You’re not crazy. You’re not faithless. You’re not ungrateful. You’re just human. Caregiving will always stir up emotions, even in the best of relationships. But when the relationship has been painful or even unsafe, the emotions, they get even more complicated. And God, He sees all of it. As I said earlier, this isn’t my personal story, but I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside caregivers who have faced this in a really real way. One of those is Kinsey Oglesby, who joined me on our podcast a few years back, and that episode is called Healed Relationships. Kinsey grew up in a home where her mother was, in her words, verbally abusive and cruel. She doesn’t remember being hugged or held. There was no emotional safety there, and as an adult, even after forgiveness, there still was no real close relationship. For years, she dreaded the thought that her dad might die first, because that would mean she’d be the one who would have to care for her mom. And then that is exactly what happened. Her dad passed away. Her mom was vulnerable, being scammed out of money, growing confused, and eventually showing clear signs of dementia. After a time in a retirement home, it became obvious that she couldn’t safely live there anymore. And Kinsey, this woman who had every reason to keep her distance, found herself moving her mom into her own home and becoming her caregiver. Not because it was easy, not because they had a sweet, close relationship, but because there was a need, and she sensed God asking her to step into it. As her mom’s dementia progressed, the care needs became very intimate, and there came a day when Kinsey had to give her mother a shower for the first time. She had to start changing diapers and doing all of those hands-on tasks that feel really vulnerable in any caregiving situation. She describes sitting there, stomach churning, and thinking,”I don’t know if I can do this.” Remember, this woman– This is a woman she had never hugged growing up. There had never been a safe, affectionate touch between them, and now she was the one touching, bathing, dressing, and protecting that very person. She said something really important in our conversation, those tasks began as dutiful acts. She was committed to treating her mom with as much dignity as she could. But it was a duty. It was obedience. There wasn’t warmth. And then God, He met her in a very personal way. One day she was processing with the Lord. She journals regularly, has beautiful conversations with the Lord, and she sensed Him speaking to her heart about her mom. And what she heard was this:”Thank you so much for taking care of Barbara”She’s my Bobbi. You are my hands and eyes and feet for her right now. She’s my princess. I love how you are taking care of her. I want you to know that, and I want you to let her know how much I love her.” That changed everything for Kinsey. God didn’t minimize what Kinsey had lived through. He didn’t say,”Oh, it wasn’t that bad.” No, in that moment, He showed her how He saw her mom, not just as a woman who hurt me, but as a deeply loved daughter with a God-given identity. And the next morning, Kinsey walked into her mom’s room and did something she had never done before. She put kisses all over her mom’s face and said,”Jesus wants me to let you know how much He loves you. You are His precious daughter.” Wow. From that point on, she said something in her just shifted. She didn’t just care for her mom, she loved her. Now, that didn’t erase the past. In fact, she still lives with those wounds and works on changing her own legacy with her children. It didn’t make it her pretend that the pain never happened, but God took her from her dutiful caregiving to what she called holy relating and restoration. And I love that phrase because that’s what God can do, even in the most unlikely, ugly stories. This might not be your ending, and that’s okay. I wanna pause here and say something really important. Not every caregiving story is gonna look like Kinsey’s or like mine. You may never get your Hallmark movie. That reconciliation, it might not happen. Your care receiver might never acknowledge what they did or didn’t do, and they may not be emotionally capable of it. They may not be spiritually open to it. And that doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. It doesn’t mean that God is absent from your story. Kinsey’s experience shows us what God can do. It’s a picture of what’s possible. But even if your story doesn’t end the same way, God is still present and active in your caregiving season He sees all the layers, the history, the wounds, the good intentions, the conflicting emotions, the days you show up gladly, and the days that you show up with gritted teeth. Psalm 34:18 tells us,”The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That includes caregivers whose hearts are broken by the very people that they are caring for. So where is God in this complicated love? Let’s talk specifically about that. Where is He in all of this? First, God sees the whole story, not just the caregiving chapter, but your childhood, your teenage years, the patterns in your family, the things said behind closed doors, and the moments that no one witnessed. He holds all of that context when He looks at you. Second, God is both just and tender. He never calls evil good. He doesn’t shrug at cruelty or neglect, and at the same time, He is deeply compassionate towards those who are weak, confused, and near the end of life, even if they caused harm in earlier seasons. Third, God doesn’t ask you to erase your story in order to care. He doesn’t say,”If you were really a good Christian, you would forget everything that happened to you and just be grateful that you have a chance to serve. No, no, that is not His heart. What He invites you into is an honest, ongoing conversation with Him.”Lord, you know what they’ve done. You know how I feel. Show me what love looks like today within healthy limits.” There are limits. And for some of you, that love may look like Kenzie’s, very hands-on, very close, very tender. But for others, love may look like making sure that there’s good professional care in place, handling certain decisions or finances, but not being the one who does every single task. You do not have to be in an unsafe situation to care. Honor, care, and boundaries, they all go together. So let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about honor and boundaries for just a minute. Because those words, they can feel like they’re at war with each other, especially when you bring in scripture like,”Honor your father and mother” from Exodus 20:12. Some of you have been taught that honor means do whatever they want. Never say no. Ignore your own health. Keep quiet about the past. But honor in a Christian caregiving context is much richer and wiser than that. Honor, it can look like speaking respectfully even when you disagree or need to set limits. It can look like refusing to retaliate with cruelty even when that’s how you were treated. Making decisions that protect their safety and dignity even when they resist. It can look like recognizing that they are a person made in God’s image, even if their behavior has not reflected that in any way, shape, or form. Honor, it does not require enduring ongoing abuse, pretending the past never happened, or sacrificing your mental, emotional, and physical health to keep up appearances. One way to think about it is this: honor is about how you behave toward them, not about giving them unlimited access to you. And this principle applies whether you’re caring for a parent, a spouse, an in-law, a sibling, or any other family figure. Sometimes honor will mean being present often. Sometimes honor will mean limiting contact while still making sure that they’re cared for. Boundaries are not a lack of love. Boundaries are wisdom. Boundaries say,”I’m willing to care, but I’m not willing to be destroyed in the process.” So let’s come back to the phrase from Kinsey’s story, moving from dutiful to holy care. Dutiful care says,”This is what’s expected of me. I’m gonna do the right thing because it’s my responsibility.” There’s value in that. There is. Duty and responsibility are not bad words. But holy care- Mm. That is so different. Holy care says,”Lord, show me how you see this person. Love them through me in whatever way is safe and wise. Take my small, imperfect offerings and make them something more.” For Kensey, holy care flowed out of a very specific encounter with God. For you, it may grow more slowly. Holy care might look like being a bit more gentle with your tone today. Maybe choosing not to rehearse the same painful memory over and over as you drive to their house. Whispering,”Lord, help me see them like you see them,” while you help them with a task. Or asking God to give you compassion for their fear or confusion, even when their words still sting. It doesn’t have to be dramatic to be holy. It really doesn’t. Oh, forgiveness. Forgiveness can be hard. It is tender, and it really is an ongoing process. At times, we talk about complicated relationships and faith, and the word forgiveness is never far behind. And I know even hearing that word might make some of you flinch. Because I don’t know what you’ve been through, and I don’t know how hard it’s been, so I want to be really gentle here. Some of you are not ready for this conversation yet, and you’re still in the thick of the hurt. Others of you feel pressured maybe by well-meaning Christians to forgive and forget, and you’re carrying a lot of shame because you can’t seem to make yourself feel differently. Here’s how I would frame forgiveness in the context of caregiving for someone who hurt you. Forgiveness is releasing revenge into God’s hands, saying,”I’m not gonna spend my life trying to make you pay.” Opening yourself to the possibility that God can heal what’s been broken in you, even if the other person never changes. Forgiveness is not calling what was wrong okay. It is not pretending you were not hurt. It’s not removing all wise boundaries or automatically trusting someone who has not shown themselves to be trustworthy. Often, forgiveness is a process, not a moment. Some days you may feel more open. Other days you might feel old anger just rising again. That doesn’t mean that you failed. It means that you’re human, and the wound, it was real. Kinsey described a moment of profound shift when God spoke to her about her mom. That was part of her forgiveness journey. Yours might look different, but the same God who met her is present and patient with you. So before we close, I just want to offer a few reflection questions. You might want to come back to this part later with a journal or just let them sit with you as you go about your day. What makes this caregiving relationship feel complicated to you? Can I name honestly the mix of love, duty, anger, grief, or numbness that I feel? What do I wish I could say to God about this person and our history? By the way, He already knows. But think about what I haven’t said out loud yet. Where do I see even a small sign of God’s grace in this season? It might be a moment of help, a gentle caregiver, a scripture that landed at the right time, or simply the strength to show up again today. What might holy care look like for me this week? Not in some big, dramatic way, just one small step towards seeing them as God sees them. Is there a boundary I need to set or reset to protect my heart while still allowing me to care? Who could help me think through that? A counselor? A pastor? A trusted friend? A coach? You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Just bringing these questions into the light with God is a powerful step. So as we wrap up, I want to speak directly to your heart. If you are caring for someone who hurt you, you are not weak for feeling conflicted You are not unloving for needing boundaries, and you are not less spiritual because you haven’t had a storybook reconciliation. God sees every act of care that you offer, whether it flows out of a warm affection or weary obedience. He sees every tear that you’ve shed in the car, every deep breath that you’ve taken in the hallway before walking into their room. Every time you’ve chosen to stay a little kinder than you actually feel. Your story, it may not look like anyone else’s, but you are not walking it alone. If Kinsey’s story resonates with you, I encourage you to go back and listen to her interview, Healed Relationships, and visit her site at coachkinsey.com to read the full Kisses for Bobbi story. It’s a beautiful picture of what God can do. And if you’re feeling stuck in a complicated caregiving story and would like someone to walk alongside you, that’s exactly why I offer coaching, to help you live content, love well, and care without regrets, even in the hardest of relationships. So as I wrap up today, thank you. Thank you for joining me for this episode of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers and point you to the God who sees you, loves you, and cares so much for you. If this conversation encouraged you, would you share it with someone, another caregiver who might be carrying a complicated story too? And if you haven’t yet, subscribe right here where you’re listening and leave a review. It helps so many more caregivers find our conversations. I would so appreciate it. And remember, you can live content, love well, and care without regrets because God is with you, even in the hard. If you have any financial, medical, or legal questions, be sure to contact your local professionals. And please take heart in your season of caring.