Hope for living, loving and caring with no regrets!

Kinsey Oglesby

Episode 24

Episode 24 – Healed Relationship – Unexpected Benefit From Caregiving Journey

Rayna Neises, your host, interviews Kinsey Oglesby. Kinsey is a coach, speaker, blogger, and writer who seeks to help women heal after trauma.  After a five-year journey with her mother, she adds experienced caregiver to this impressive list of talents.  And, although unexpectedly, her caregiving journey provided her the opportunity to heal from her own childhood trauma and develop a bonded relationship with her mother.

  • Approach uncomfortable situations during personal care with dignity and respect.  Once the bridge is crossed, it becomes much easier.
  • Caregiving can build a kind of connection and bonding where they may have never been one before.
  • When the caregiver sees themselves as the arms and eyes and hands and feet of God, the journey can move from dutiful relating to Holy relating and restoration.
  • Caregiving is expensive, so it is best to plan.
  • Purchasing the best possible equipment and supplies is well worth the investment.
  • ‘Call in the Calvary’ because caregiving cannot be done alone.  If we don’t ask for help, we are denying others the opportunity to use their gifts and blessings.
  • Turn it over to Jesus and let him show you how to move forward through the caregiving journey.

Transcript

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation
Rayna Neises:  Welcome to A Seasonal Caring Podcast where there’s hope for living loving and caring with no regrets. This is Rayna Neises, your host. And today I’d like to introduce you to a wonderful friend of mine, Kinsey Oglesby.

Hi, Kinsey. How you doing today?

Kinsey Oglesby:  I’m doing great. Rayna. Thank you for the invite.

Rayna Neises:  I’m so glad to have you here today. So let me tell you a little bit about Kinsey. The last thing she ever expected was to care for her mother. She had many painful memories of her childhood, where her mother was verbally abusive and cruel, but after her father died, she knew that her mother was showing signs of dementia and would soon be unable to care for herself. In due time in Kinsey, moved her mother into her home and cared for her five years before she passed away. These five years taught her so many surprising lessons. Kinsey is a Soul Care Coach, a writer, speaker. She has a passion to help Christian women strengthen their relationship with God and find inner healing in the places of soul wounding or trauma. This takes place in one on one coaching sessions or online group settings and workshops. She writes stories, our own personal journey with God, which can be found in her blog at  www.coachkinsey.com and she stays active and has run several half marathons and sprint triathlons. Kinsey is insightful, humorous, loving, and generous, and she is quick to offer a hug to anybody who will receive it.

Kinsey Oglesby:  I’m so excited for our listeners to have an opportunity to share your story, because so many times your story, is unlike my story. I had a good relationship with my parents. And so for me to step into a caregiving role was not easy, but way easier than having a tough relationship like you had with your mom.

Rayna Neises:  So share with us a little bit about how you became her caregiver, how you moved into that role?

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yes. Thank you. Rayna. It was actually interesting, you know, after my dad died, I moved down to where she lived, which was basically about 10, 12 hours from where we were in North Carolina. But I wanted to live close to her to see how she was handling things. And what we discovered is that these telephone scam artists were just taking her money right and left. And she was just sending them the money. And so we were trying to put a stop to that. We went and talked to the banker actually, and just said, listen, this is what’s happening. So, she if comes in here wanting to wire, some big money or something. Please let us know. And they’re like, we can’t stop her from doing any transactions. But and we were just hoping they would call us. And certainly, they did. One day said she’s trying to wire $30,000 to a relative in Canada. We have no relatives in Canada. And, my sister and I jumped in the car immediately went to the bank and we finally did get our name on her account and transferred the money to another account and they held her at the bank like, we need you to wait a minute, it’s going to take awhile. And then they said you don’t have sufficient funds. They were waiting for us. We did all that within an hour. And so we were able to stop it, but we knew that, she was just unable. So we actually put her in a retirement home or maybe one or two years, I think, because, you know, in our home there’s not really anything to do, but are they had activities and chapel, they go on a little field trips and all that stuff. But the last, six months she was living there, she began to get real confused about where the dining room was and she wasn’t participating in any of the advanced without what she’s just going to sit there, then we’re going to bring her to our home. Because we just couldn’t, we just couldn’t leave her there like that, you know? And she was ready to move into the assisted part. That was hard. Yeah. It’s hard.

It was really hard to get a diagnosis. We had her, we told several people, she has dementia and they would ask her questions like, you know, she’s okay. Well, you’re not even asking us to verify the information she’s given you is correct. So it was really hard to get her diagnosed, but, yeah, it was really bad, but it’s frustrating and maddening what people do to the elderly.

Rayna Neises:  It is, we experienced that with my dad as well through the mail more than, I guess he did have phone calls as well. And they would, as we look in his checkbook, he would send not large sums like you were talking about the small amounts that added up to hundreds of dollars every month. And once they knew that he would send something they would seem two and three requests a month and he would be sending money to the same group. And like, you, it’s just, you’re totally powerless to help them because they just don’t realize what they’re doing. And no one is helping. I don’t understand that.

Kinsey Oglesby:  It’s crazy.

Rayna Neises:  Very frustrating.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yeah. But that was where our big clue came in.

Rayna Neises:  And then trying to get help on the medical end was challenging.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Very challenging. Very challenging.

Rayna Neises:  Eventually you didn’t get a diagnosis or.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yeah. And we had a scan, but they still weren’t, you know, because it wasn’t, they didn’t say it was Alzheimer’s and she had shrinkage in her brain and all that. I mean, basically the signs were just all around us. I mean, but then when she couldn’t find her way anymore to the dining room and was confused about where she was and we knew, so she was still mobile and she has what’s called Louie Parkinson’s dementia. Parkinson’s something like that.  I can’t remember -yes.

Rayna Neises:  Lewi Bodies Dementia

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yes. So she had a lot of tremors was difficulty holding anything to drink or even feeding herself. And that type stuff just could continue progressively got worse. And so she needed a lot of assistance then, but she was still mobile, but very confused. And that’s probably the hardest part for caregivers when they become bedridden, it’s much, much easier to take care of them. When they’re mobile, it’s like a toddler. You got to watch them all the time.

Rayna Neises:  You never know where they’re going to go or what, what idea’s going to strike that they’re just going to try to go somewhere. Just leave.

Kinsey Oglesby:  She did slip out one day and fail in the garage and broke her wrist. But, you know, we’ve installed nanny cams into different rooms and stuff, but, but the journey with her, you know, what’s really stands out and significant Rayna is that, my mom and I did not have a good relationship as you read in the introduction and, I dreaded the thought that my dad might die before mom, and that we would have taken care of her. I never thought it would be bad to take care of my dad, but she was, very cruel unkind woman to us growing up. Now, things changed after I became an adult and I certainly forgave her and all but was still not close to her. There was no emotional intimacy between us at all. So, when she came into the home and as she progressed, where. She could, she became incontinent and we had to put her in diapers. I mean, all of these things were like gigantic bridges because the thing is, is mom and I didn’t touch. I don’t remember ever being hugged or held by her anything. And so I’m having to touch her body. I’m having to see I’m having to bathe her the first day that I had to give her a shower. I was a nervous wreck and she still had enough of her mental faculties to know that that was embarrassing and she didn’t want my help. And I remember calling my sister said, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I don’t think I can do this. And I just drug my heels all day. And finally did it. Once we cross the bridge, it was a lot easier.

She didn’t like it, but I did as I did in as dignified way as I possibly could. And, but each step, you know, we kept progressing to different levels of touch. And that was probably the hardest thing was just touching her body cause that’s an intimate thing. And especially when you start doing diapers and bathing them and that kind of stuff. And then as it progresses, it gets even worse. You’re doing things that nurses do, and it’s, you know, it’s a, it’s a big barrier that you have to walk through. but what God did is he started bringing a lot of healing to me in that process, because when you’re taking care of somebody like that, you get a certain kind of connection.

There’s probably a word for it. I don’t know what it is, you know, in the psychological field. There’s probably a word for that. there is a sort of connection that builds. There’s a bonding over the caregiving. I guess it would happen with anybody because you’re responsible for them. And so, I tried to treat her with as much dignity and respect as I possibly could. So that, that kind of built a bridge it started building a bridge between my heart to her. I started softening towards her because it’s, it’s, it’s a, it’s a very sad thing to watch somebody, slowly die. And still lose their brain and then fear that was in her eyes and the confusion that’s even worse because you don’t want them to be afraid and you don’t want them to be, you want them to feel safe and secure and, and it’s a man it’s painful to watch.

I can’t even imagine how painful it is if you have so many fond memories with that person. But even not having that, it was painful to watch her. And I, you know, all I’m praying that God would just take her because that existence is just, there’s no quality of life at all. But God used it.

And, you know, I am a Christian and I have to deep faith and I talk to God routinely about whatever’s going on in my life. And I would talk to him about my mother. And, one day He said to me, and I journal all this down. I actually have this written down. He says, thank you so much for taking care of Barbara. Barbara was her name and her nickname was Bobbi. That was the nickname her mother had given. It was thank you for taking care of her. She’s my Bobbi. That’s what he said to me. And you’re my arms and, eyes, hands and feet for her right now. And she’s my princess. And I love how you’re taking care of her. And I just want you to know that, you know, let her know how much I love her. God’s telling me this and I’m like, whoa. I mean, really set me back really, because what happened then is He expanded my perception of this woman. He added value to her that was supernatural. This is her God-given identity to me too, to me, Kinsey, she is a precious, precious soul  and so what happened is that something snapped in me and I realized at this point up until this point, I had been very dutiful, very honoring, very loving and kind to my mother. But this took, to a whole nother level, this took to a restoration level because that next morning, when I went into her room, I put kisses all over her face and I said, Jesus wants me to let you know how much He loves you. And you’re his precious daughter. And from that point on, I didn’t just take care of her. I loved her. Know what I’m saying? and I would kiss her all the time. And, that was just like, if you just knew, you know, how we weren’t touch us and didn’t go to that extreme of kissing her and, that is the beauty of what God can do in a soul. And he just elevated her to see her, like he sees her and that, I could step in for him. And give her those last days of love and just kind of usher her into his arms when he was ready to call her home was just beautiful. So it was, it went from dutiful relating to Holy relating and restoration.

Rayna Neises:  So amazing to have that opportunity to hear God and let him heal and bring that perspective. Caregiving is so difficult and as you hire people to help, you can kind of see the heart of the dutiful versus the ones who do it in love. And when I think of those who did it in love, the grief that they experienced when we lost my dad was on a whole different level than those who just did the dutiful job. And that’s such a great way of seeing really being able to see into what the difference is, because we had many people over the years helping us care for my dad, and there was a big difference, but that that’s beautiful to see that.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yeah. It’s good that you pointed out. Cause we had some caregivers that we hired to come in and also hospice came in of course, the last couple of years. And there was definitely a difference in that and we had some really good help. The one caregiver that we hired, and she was there when my mom died and she just broke down in sobs, you know, cause she called her, her baby. That’s my baby.

Rayna Neises:  And your mom didn’t have a relationship by that point, you know, to be able to give into the relationship. So, it really was just an outpouring of love.

Kinsey Oglesby:  It was.

Rayna Neises:  Definitely the journey of moving from meeting those physical needs to learning to express the love of God for her was a beautiful journey. And what a blessing. So what other lessons would you say you experienced through that journey of caring for your mom?

Kinsey Oglesby:  So that was more of the soul lesson, but you know, there’s just a lot of practical things you learn. One of the things is like, it is so expensive to take care of the elderly. It’s so expensive to take care of them and, Thankfully, my mom had a lot of money. We were able to do it, but if we had had that burden on us and I don’t know how well we had done it, so, you know, it, might’ve made it a lot more difficult and that’s where a lot of people are. They don’t have the funds to take care of parents, but so I learned one is make sure that I have enough for my children to take care of me because that would be a huge burden. But also, not just that, but buying them the best of things. Hospice would bring you diapers. You know that you’d have to change them every hour cause of the cheapest diapers in the world. And I mean, I found these things on Amazon that whole 52 ounces of like dang we’re putting those things on her. I don’t care if they cost $10 a piece or, but those things, I want her at night, so we can get some sleep and not have to get up in the middle of the night. The money to buy the good things that electrical we got, we got it off of Craigslist. Wasn’t for anybody taking care of a bedridden and patient, they need one of those. Electric beds, not the crank kind, but I got it from $400 on Craigslist. It was heaviest. I had to, you know, get people to bring it in the house, but it was the best investment we mad

And then I turned around and sold it after she died for the same amount I paid for it. So they’re very expensive. They run, $2,000 to $3,000, but you look for them. They’re good. Highly recommend that for people who are in caregiving,  Just know that it will cost, but also you just have to call in the Calvary. You really do have to get help. You cannot do it on your own. It’s just, it’s too much for any one person because it’s emotionally draining. It’s hard. You can’t leave the house, you’re housebound. But I was fortunate enough to have my husband, who worked from home. So his office was in the home.  And so we came up with schedules and we took turns, feeding her and changing her diaper and stuff. He was a Saint, I mean, He is such a hero the way he came in and helped me with my mom for all those years. It was just great. And, so you have to find help if you can’t afford it, you find, you find people who can come in and help you because if you don’t, it will take you under.

Rayn Nieses: So wise, so lesson wise, just to kind of recap there, financially it is a big burden in that way if you don’t clan. So I as well,  walking that journey with both parents, it’s important for me to have money set aside for my care, because no matter if I have dementia or disease like that, or if there’s other it’s the last years of our life are the most expensive, so we have to clean for it and having financial resources gives us more options. And that’s just the truth.  Having the tools that you need invest, find a way to invest in what you need. I agree. There are so many great things out there. You have to find them, but you can get them used because I know that was even a process once we lost my dad, trying to then pass on these things that we had, it was kind of a process to find somebody who wanted those or was able to take those. And then. I’m just calling the Calvary. I love that because we talk about it all the time on the podcast. You cannot do this alone, and there are people who love you and will love the person that you’re caring for. Find them ask, ask, ask. It seems like it’s a lot harder to do than it is when you learn to ask and just invite. That’s kind of the way I always say it is. Invite someone to be a part of this. And if they say no, that’s okay. But Keep inviting.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yes, very much so, and gives them the opportunity to grow and serve. I mean, people do, want to, they want to help and if we don’t ask for help. We’re denying them an opportunity to use their gifts and their strengths and just the blessing of blessing you.

Rayna Neises:  And being the hands and feet of Jesus.

Kinsey Oglesby: That’s right. Being the hands of these Jesus. Beautiful. I have a high, a high respect for people that are in that business. People that work for ha I love hospice. They were amazing. I tell you, it felt like I had a safety net. Because there was so many things going on, you know, one, one, one day her, her stomach was so swollen. It looked like she was nine months pregnant and I’m like, I don’t know what’s going on.

I had them to call and say, you know, Oh yeah, yeah. Her colon was twisted. They came in and did an X Ray in my home. They have these portals, but who knew, I wouldn’t have known what to do without them. So they were just praying. And, I didn’t know she was ready for hospice. And somebody in my church said you might just give them a call. Cause I didn’t think she was sick enough of it or ready for it and was ready for it, usually it’s like the last six months of life. I think we had them for a year and a half. At least she just said, yeah,

Rayna Neises:  Yeah, it’s one of those things that there is a qualification and it doesn’t hurt to ask, they’re going to come in and evaluate and decide whether or not they qualify. And so it doesn’t hurt for them to come out and do that. Even if your answer is no, not yet, at least you have that relationship started and you know.

Kinsey Oglesby:  And not only that they have resources that they can share with you if she doesn’t qualify, he or she doesn’t qualify. So that’s, that’s really helped cause they know they know about it. That’s what they did. And we don’t, we don’t, we don’t have a close first time we’re experiencing this, but having them felt like such a safety net, like we’re on a tight rope and down, there’s a net. So we’re, we’re good.

Rayna Neises:  That’s amazing. And I would also encourage listeners if that’s not your experience with your hospice team, find a different team.

Rayna Neises:  Welcome to A Seasonal Caring Podcast where there’s hope for living loving and caring with no regrets. This is Rayna Neises, your host. And today I’d like to introduce you to a wonderful friend of mine, Kinsey Oglesby.

Kinsay Oglesby:  Right. And see, I didn’t even know you could shop around for them either, but you can cause there’s all kinds of hospices chapters or whatever you call them branches.

Rayna Neises: There are so many different ones available and you know who the team is definitely makes a difference. Sometimes you connect, sometimes you don’t. So finding that support for you is, is a huge piece of it. So we’re, we’re wrapping up here as we get to the end. Do you have any specific tips that you’d like to share with our caregivers?

Kinsey Oglesby:  I guess, because of the way my story turned out and the healing aspect of it, it’s just, go to Jesus, let him show you how to move forward with whoever you’re having to give care for, because He will, and he’s there. And just knowing that he’s there supporting you as well. And it’s, this is a beautiful thing to give dignity to a dying person. I think our culture does not respect the elderly generation enough. I don’t think that they are treated with the honor and respect and dignity that they deserve. And so, we have an opportunity to enter into that space with God because all human life matters, right? Especially the elderly. And so, it’s just, it’s a beautiful place to enter in with God to care for people he treasure.

Rayna Neises:  And being able to transform that relationship that you had with your mom and make it where these difficult last years there were so much required of you also is a sweet memory and beautiful healing.

Kinsey Oblesby:  It’s so sweet Rayna, you know, I thought I was able to give to her everything she could not get to me. But she’s healed now she’s completely healed and whole, so it’s going to be good and interesting to see her in that, in that way.

Rayna Neises:  It will be, that will be such a blessing to have a whole different relationship when she’s able to give back and not just receive.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Right? Yeah. I have a story. I wrote about her. It’s called kisses for Bobbi it’s on my blog posts. If people want to go, it’s a sweet story. People can go and read about that.

Rayna Neises: That would be great, definitely check out Kinsey’s website at coachkinsey.com. And thank you so much Kinsey for the time today and just helping us see a little different perspective from that deeply wounded relationship to a beautifully restored relationship. And these caregiving years are full of a lot of struggle and pain and more than we even imagined as we’re starting on the journey. But, thankfully I, as a person of faith as well have experienced that the Lord’s strength and love through us can do all things. And so thankfully you can experience that as well as, as if you have it. So thank you for joining us today, Kinsey.

Kinsey Oglesby: Thank you, Rayna. I appreciate the opportunity.

Rayna Neises:  And listeners remember again, you can find out more about working with Kinsey as a Soul Care Coach at her website, coachkinsey.com. Thanks again for joining us today listeners, just a reminder a Season of Caring Podcast is created for the encouragement of family caregivers. If you have medical, financial, or legal questions, please contact your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

Rayna Neises:  Welcome to A Seasonal Caring Podcast where there’s hope for living loving and caring with no regrets. This is Rayna Neises, your host. And today I’d like to introduce you to a wonderful friend of mine, Kinsey Oglesby.

Hi, Kinsey. How you doing today?

Kinsey Oglesby:  I’m doing great. Rayna. Thank you for the invite.

Rayna Neises:  I’m so glad to have you here today. So let me tell you a little bit about Kinsey. The last thing she ever expected was to care for her mother. She had many painful memories of her childhood, where her mother was verbally abusive and cruel, but after her father died, she knew that her mother was showing signs of dementia and would soon be unable to care for herself. In due time in Kinsey, moved her mother into her home and cared for her five years before she passed away. These five years taught her so many surprising lessons. Kinsey is a Soul Care Coach, a writer, speaker. She has a passion to help Christian women strengthen their relationship with God and find inner healing in the places of soul wounding or trauma. This takes place in one on one coaching sessions or online group settings and workshops. She writes stories, our own personal journey with God, which can be found in her blog at  www.coachkinsey.com and she stays active and has run several half marathons and sprint triathlons. Kinsey is insightful, humorous, loving, and generous, and she is quick to offer a hug to anybody who will receive it.

Kinsey Oglesby:  I’m so excited for our listeners to have an opportunity to share your story, because so many times your story, is unlike my story. I had a good relationship with my parents. And so for me to step into a caregiving role was not easy, but way easier than having a tough relationship like you had with your mom.

Rayna Neises:  So share with us a little bit about how you became her caregiver, how you moved into that role?

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yes. Thank you. Rayna. It was actually interesting, you know, after my dad died, I moved down to where she lived, which was basically about 10, 12 hours from where we were in North Carolina. But I wanted to live close to her to see how she was handling things. And what we discovered is that these telephone scam artists were just taking her money right and left. And she was just sending them the money. And so we were trying to put a stop to that. We went and talked to the banker actually, and just said, listen, this is what’s happening. So, she if comes in here wanting to wire, some big money or something. Please let us know. And they’re like, we can’t stop her from doing any transactions. But and we were just hoping they would call us. And certainly, they did. One day said she’s trying to wire $30,000 to a relative in Canada. We have no relatives in Canada. And, my sister and I jumped in the car immediately went to the bank and we finally did get our name on her account and transferred the money to another account and they held her at the bank like, we need you to wait a minute, it’s going to take awhile. And then they said you don’t have sufficient funds. They were waiting for us. We did all that within an hour. And so we were able to stop it, but we knew that, she was just unable. So we actually put her in a retirement home or maybe one or two years, I think, because, you know, in our home there’s not really anything to do, but are they had activities and chapel, they go on a little field trips and all that stuff. But the last, six months she was living there, she began to get real confused about where the dining room was and she wasn’t participating in any of the advanced without what she’s just going to sit there, then we’re going to bring her to our home. Because we just couldn’t, we just couldn’t leave her there like that, you know? And she was ready to move into the assisted part. That was hard. Yeah. It’s hard.

It was really hard to get a diagnosis. We had her, we told several people, she has dementia and they would ask her questions like, you know, she’s okay. Well, you’re not even asking us to verify the information she’s given you is correct. So it was really hard to get her diagnosed, but, yeah, it was really bad, but it’s frustrating and maddening what people do to the elderly.

Rayna Neises:  It is, we experienced that with my dad as well through the mail more than, I guess he did have phone calls as well. And they would, as we look in his checkbook, he would send not large sums like you were talking about the small amounts that added up to hundreds of dollars every month. And once they knew that he would send something they would seem two and three requests a month and he would be sending money to the same group. And like, you, it’s just, you’re totally powerless to help them because they just don’t realize what they’re doing. And no one is helping. I don’t understand that.

Kinsey Oglesby:  It’s crazy.

Rayna Neises:  Very frustrating.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yeah. But that was where our big clue came in.

Rayna Neises:  And then trying to get help on the medical end was challenging.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Very challenging. Very challenging.

Rayna Neises:  Eventually you didn’t get a diagnosis or.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yeah. And we had a scan, but they still weren’t, you know, because it wasn’t, they didn’t say it was Alzheimer’s and she had shrinkage in her brain and all that. I mean, basically the signs were just all around us. I mean, but then when she couldn’t find her way anymore to the dining room and was confused about where she was and we knew, so she was still mobile and she has what’s called Louie Parkinson’s dementia. Parkinson’s something like that.  I can’t remember -yes.

Rayna Neises:  Lewi Bodies Dementia

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yes. So she had a lot of tremors was difficulty holding anything to drink or even feeding herself. And that type stuff just could continue progressively got worse. And so she needed a lot of assistance then, but she was still mobile, but very confused. And that’s probably the hardest part for caregivers when they become bedridden, it’s much, much easier to take care of them. When they’re mobile, it’s like a toddler. You got to watch them all the time.

Rayna Neises:  You never know where they’re going to go or what, what idea’s going to strike that they’re just going to try to go somewhere. Just leave.

Kinsey Oglesby:  She did slip out one day and fail in the garage and broke her wrist. But, you know, we’ve installed nanny cams into different rooms and stuff, but, but the journey with her, you know, what’s really stands out and significant Rayna is that, my mom and I did not have a good relationship as you read in the introduction and, I dreaded the thought that my dad might die before mom, and that we would have taken care of her. I never thought it would be bad to take care of my dad, but she was, very cruel unkind woman to us growing up. Now, things changed after I became an adult and I certainly forgave her and all but was still not close to her. There was no emotional intimacy between us at all. So, when she came into the home and as she progressed, where. She could, she became incontinent and we had to put her in diapers. I mean, all of these things were like gigantic bridges because the thing is, is mom and I didn’t touch. I don’t remember ever being hugged or held by her anything. And so I’m having to touch her body. I’m having to see I’m having to bathe her the first day that I had to give her a shower. I was a nervous wreck and she still had enough of her mental faculties to know that that was embarrassing and she didn’t want my help. And I remember calling my sister said, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I don’t think I can do this. And I just drug my heels all day. And finally did it. Once we cross the bridge, it was a lot easier.

She didn’t like it, but I did as I did in as dignified way as I possibly could. And, but each step, you know, we kept progressing to different levels of touch. And that was probably the hardest thing was just touching her body cause that’s an intimate thing. And especially when you start doing diapers and bathing them and that kind of stuff. And then as it progresses, it gets even worse. You’re doing things that nurses do, and it’s, you know, it’s a, it’s a big barrier that you have to walk through. but what God did is he started bringing a lot of healing to me in that process, because when you’re taking care of somebody like that, you get a certain kind of connection.

There’s probably a word for it. I don’t know what it is, you know, in the psychological field. There’s probably a word for that. there is a sort of connection that builds. There’s a bonding over the caregiving. I guess it would happen with anybody because you’re responsible for them. And so, I tried to treat her with as much dignity and respect as I possibly could. So that, that kind of built a bridge it started building a bridge between my heart to her. I started softening towards her because it’s, it’s, it’s a, it’s a very sad thing to watch somebody, slowly die. And still lose their brain and then fear that was in her eyes and the confusion that’s even worse because you don’t want them to be afraid and you don’t want them to be, you want them to feel safe and secure and, and it’s a man it’s painful to watch.

I can’t even imagine how painful it is if you have so many fond memories with that person. But even not having that, it was painful to watch her. And I, you know, all I’m praying that God would just take her because that existence is just, there’s no quality of life at all. But God used it.

And, you know, I am a Christian and I have to deep faith and I talk to God routinely about whatever’s going on in my life. And I would talk to him about my mother. And, one day He said to me, and I journal all this down. I actually have this written down. He says, thank you so much for taking care of Barbara. Barbara was her name and her nickname was Bobbi. That was the nickname her mother had given. It was thank you for taking care of her. She’s my Bobbi. That’s what he said to me. And you’re my arms and, eyes, hands and feet for her right now. And she’s my princess. And I love how you’re taking care of her. And I just want you to know that, you know, let her know how much I love her. God’s telling me this and I’m like, whoa. I mean, really set me back really, because what happened then is He expanded my perception of this woman. He added value to her that was supernatural. This is her God-given identity to me too, to me, Kinsey, she is a precious, precious soul and so what happened is that something snapped in me and I realized at this point up until this point, I had been very dutiful, very honoring, very loving and kind to my mother. But this took, to a whole nother level, this took to a restoration level because that next morning, when I went into her room, I put kisses all over her face and I said, Jesus wants me to let you know how much He loves you. And you’re his precious daughter. And from that point on, I didn’t just take care of her. I loved her. Know what I’m saying? and I would kiss her all the time. And, that was just like, if you just knew, you know, how we weren’t touch us and didn’t go to that extreme of kissing her and, that is the beauty of what God can do in a soul. And he just elevated her to see her, like he sees her and that, I could step in for him. And give her those last days of love and just kind of usher her into his arms when he was ready to call her home was just beautiful. So it was, it went from dutiful relating to Holy relating and restoration.

Rayna Neises:  So amazing to have that opportunity to hear God and let him heal and bring that perspective. Caregiving is so difficult and as you hire people to help, you can kind of see the heart of the dutiful versus the ones who do it in love. And when I think of those who did it in love, the grief that they experienced when we lost my dad was on a whole different level than those who just did the dutiful job. And that’s such a great way of seeing really being able to see into what the difference is, because we had many people over the years helping us care for my dad, and there was a big difference, but that that’s beautiful to see that.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yeah. It’s good that you pointed out. Cause we had some caregivers that we hired to come in and also hospice came in of course, the last couple of years. And there was definitely a difference in that and we had some really good help. The one caregiver that we hired, and she was there when my mom died and she just broke down in sobs, you know, cause she called her, her baby. That’s my baby.

Rayna Neises:  And your mom didn’t have a relationship by that point, you know, to be able to give into the relationship. So, it really was just an outpouring of love.

Kinsey Oglesby:  It was.

Rayna Neises:  Definitely the journey of moving from meeting those physical needs to learning to express the love of God for her was a beautiful journey. And what a blessing. So what other lessons would you say you experienced through that journey of caring for your mom?

Kinsey Oglesby:  So that was more of the soul lesson, but you know, there’s just a lot of practical things you learn. One of the things is like, it is so expensive to take care of the elderly. It’s so expensive to take care of them and, Thankfully, my mom had a lot of money. We were able to do it, but if we had had that burden on us and I don’t know how well we had done it, so, you know, it, might’ve made it a lot more difficult and that’s where a lot of people are. They don’t have the funds to take care of parents, but so I learned one is make sure that I have enough for my children to take care of me because that would be a huge burden. But also, not just that, but buying them the best of things. Hospice would bring you diapers. You know that you’d have to change them every hour cause of the cheapest diapers in the world. And I mean, I found these things on Amazon that whole 52 ounces of like dang we’re putting those things on her. I don’t care if they cost $10 a piece or, but those things, I want her at night, so we can get some sleep and not have to get up in the middle of the night. The money to buy the good things that electrical we got, we got it off of Craigslist. Wasn’t for anybody taking care of a bedridden and patient, they need one of those. Electric beds, not the crank kind, but I got it from $400 on Craigslist. It was heaviest. I had to, you know, get people to bring it in the house, but it was the best investment we mad

And then I turned around and sold it after she died for the same amount I paid for it. So they’re very expensive. They run, $2,000 to $3,000, but you look for them. They’re good. Highly recommend that for people who are in caregiving,  Just know that it will cost, but also you just have to call in the Calvary. You really do have to get help. You cannot do it on your own. It’s just, it’s too much for any one person because it’s emotionally draining. It’s hard. You can’t leave the house, you’re housebound. But I was fortunate enough to have my husband, who worked from home. So his office was in the home.  And so we came up with schedules and we took turns, feeding her and changing her diaper and stuff. He was a Saint, I mean, He is such a hero the way he came in and helped me with my mom for all those years. It was just great. And, so you have to find help if you can’t afford it, you find, you find people who can come in and help you because if you don’t, it will take you under.

Rayn Nieses: So wise, so lesson wise, just to kind of recap there, financially it is a big burden in that way if you don’t clan. So I as well,  walking that journey with both parents, it’s important for me to have money set aside for my care, because no matter if I have dementia or disease like that, or if there’s other it’s the last years of our life are the most expensive, so we have to clean for it and having financial resources gives us more options. And that’s just the truth.  Having the tools that you need invest, find a way to invest in what you need. I agree. There are so many great things out there. You have to find them, but you can get them used because I know that was even a process once we lost my dad, trying to then pass on these things that we had, it was kind of a process to find somebody who wanted those or was able to take those. And then. I’m just calling the Calvary. I love that because we talk about it all the time on the podcast. You cannot do this alone, and there are people who love you and will love the person that you’re caring for. Find them ask, ask, ask. It seems like it’s a lot harder to do than it is when you learn to ask and just invite. That’s kind of the way I always say it is. Invite someone to be a part of this. And if they say no, that’s okay. But Keep inviting.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Yes, very much so, and gives them the opportunity to grow and serve. I mean, people do, want to, they want to help and if we don’t ask for help. We’re denying them an opportunity to use their gifts and their strengths and just the blessing of blessing you.

Rayna Neises:  And being the hands and feet of Jesus.

Kinsey Oglesby: That’s right. Being the hands of these Jesus. Beautiful. I have a high, a high respect for people that are in that business. People that work for ha I love hospice. They were amazing. I tell you, it felt like I had a safety net. Because there was so many things going on, you know, one, one, one day her, her stomach was so swollen. It looked like she was nine months pregnant and I’m like, I don’t know what’s going on.

I had them to call and say, you know, Oh yeah, yeah. Her colon was twisted. They came in and did an X Ray in my home. They have these portals, but who knew, I wouldn’t have known what to do without them. So they were just praying. And, I didn’t know she was ready for hospice. And somebody in my church said you might just give them a call. Cause I didn’t think she was sick enough of it or ready for it and was ready for it, usually it’s like the last six months of life. I think we had them for a year and a half. At least she just said, yeah,

Rayna Neises:  Yeah, it’s one of those things that there is a qualification and it doesn’t hurt to ask, they’re going to come in and evaluate and decide whether or not they qualify. And so it doesn’t hurt for them to come out and do that. Even if your answer is no, not yet, at least you have that relationship started and you know.

Kinsey Oglesby:  And not only that they have resources that they can share with you if she doesn’t qualify, he or she doesn’t qualify. So that’s, that’s really helped cause they know they know about it. That’s what they did. And we don’t, we don’t, we don’t have a close first time we’re experiencing this, but having them felt like such a safety net, like we’re on a tight rope and down, there’s a net. So we’re, we’re good.

Rayna Neises:  That’s amazing. And I would also encourage listeners if that’s not your experience with your hospice team, find a different team.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Right. And see, I didn’t even know you could shop around for them either, but you can cause there’s all kinds of hospices chapters or whatever you call them branches.

Rayna Neises: There are so many different ones available and you know who the team is definitely makes a difference. Sometimes you connect, sometimes you don’t. So finding that support for you is, is a huge piece of it. So we’re, we’re wrapping up here as we get to the end. Do you have any specific tips that you’d like to share with our caregivers?

Kinsey Oglesby:  I guess, because of the way my story turned out and the healing aspect of it, it’s just, go to Jesus, let him show you how to move forward with whoever you’re having to give care for, because He will, and he’s there. And just knowing that he’s there supporting you as well. And it’s, this is a beautiful thing to give dignity to a dying person. I think our culture does not respect the elderly generation enough. I don’t think that they are treated with the honor and respect and dignity that they deserve. And so, we have an opportunity to enter into that space with God because all human life matters, right? Especially the elderly. And so, it’s just, it’s a beautiful place to enter in with God to care for people he treasure.

Rayna Neises:  And being able to transform that relationship that you had with your mom and make it where these difficult last years there were so much required of you also is a sweet memory and beautiful healing.

Kinsey Oblesby:  It’s so sweet Rayna, you know, I thought I was able to give to her everything she could not get to me. But she’s healed now she’s completely healed and whole, so it’s going to be good and interesting to see her in that, in that way.

Rayna Neises:  It will be, that will be such a blessing to have a whole different relationship when she’s able to give back and not just receive.

Kinsey Oglesby:  Right? Yeah. I have a story. I wrote about her. It’s called kisses for Bobbi it’s on my blog posts. If people want to go, it’s a sweet story. People can go and read about that.

Rayna Neises: That would be great, definitely check out Kinsey’s website at coachkinsey.com. And thank you so much Kinsey for the time today and just helping us see a little different perspective from that deeply wounded relationship to a beautifully restored relationship. And these caregiving years are full of a lot of struggle and pain and more than we even imagined as we’re starting on the journey. But, thankfully I, as a person of faith as well have experienced that the Lord’s strength and love through us can do all things. And so thankfully you can experience that as well as, as if you have it. So thank you for joining us today, Kinsey.

Kinsey Oglesby: Thank you, Rayna. I appreciate the opportunity.

Rayna Neises:  And listeners remember again, you can find out more about working with Kinsey as a Soul Care Coach at her website, coachkinsey.com. Thanks again for joining us today listeners, just a reminder a Season of Caring Podcast is created for the encouragement of family caregivers. If you have medical, financial, or legal questions, please contact your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring!

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation

Kinsey Oglesby

Kinsey Oglesby

Soul Care Coach, Writer and Speaker

Kinsey is a Soul Care Coach, Writer, and Speaker. She has a passion to help Christian Women strengthen their relationship with God and find inner healing in the places of soul wounding or trauma. This takes place in one-on-one coaching sessions or online group settings and workshops.

She writes stories of her own personal journey with God which can be found on her blog at CoachKinsey.com.

She stays active and has run several half-marathons and sprint-triathlons. Kinsey is insightful, humorous, loving, and generous. She offers hugs to anyone receptive.

 

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Meet Your Host

Rayna Neises, ACC

Your Host

An ICF Certified Coach, Pod-caster, Author & Speaker, offers encouragement, support and resources to those who are in a Season of Caring for Aging Parents.

Her passion is for those caring and their parents, that they might be seen, not forgotten & cared for, not neglected

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4 Things you need to know as you begin your season of caring

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