[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises, your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers breaking through the busyness and loneliness to see God in every season of life.  [00:00:11] Today I'm excited to introduce you to Amanda Schaefer. Amanda is an author, speaker, and podcast host. No matter what vehicle she uses to share, she's always telling stories. Amanda attended the New York University majoring in dramatic writing, but was not a believer then, and she would never have imagined using everything she's learned there to create a Christian podcast.  [00:00:35] This endeavor, A Cup of Gratitude Podcast, is being listened to worldwide. It is far suppressed, her expectations. It is now airing on Christian Radio. Amanda's goal was to provide a platform for people to share their stories and as a result, to share God's story. With no agenda other than finding a way to view lives through the lenses of gratitude, she shares a new story weekly. With a few new books on the horizon and some collective efforts around the bend. Amanda is ready for each opportunity she receives to share the gospel in every way that she can.  [00:01:08] Welcome Amanda. I'm so glad to have you here today. 

[00:01:11] Amanda Schaefer: Hi. Thank you for having me. I'm looking forward to our conversation. 

[00:01:15] Rayna Neises: So I know part of your story is that caregiving has become a big part of your life, and so can you tell us a little bit about your caregiving season?

[00:01:25] Amanda Schaefer: Yeah, so just prior to the pandemic, I moved over from my home that I lived in for more than 20 some years to my parents' home where they had built an addition so that they could stay and not have to go into a retirement home. And there were just so many different things that happen in doing that move. [00:01:45] Pandemic made it really interesting. But we made the move, we got set up and we are in place. For almost three years now, caring for my parents. 

[00:01:55] Rayna Neises: And so that opportunity to come together and kind of share the same roof is definitely, can be a blessing, can obviously carry a lot of different struggles as well.  [00:02:06] And, and caregiving wise, what does that look like for your parents? What are their needs at this point? 

[00:02:11] Amanda Schaefer: Well, they're doing really well. My dad is 92, my mom is 89, and it's surprising how well they're doing. They're both using walkers, but they're able to toilet themselves. They're able to do so many things.

[00:02:23] I have my mom knitting even though she has macular degeneration, she had the muscle memory to be able to do that. My dad, I finally have not doing all of his office duties. He loves doing puzzles. We're able to really give them quite a lot of freedom right now because we've gone through the house and made it a non-slip, non fall environment. We've tried to use things like our Apple watches and Alexa to allow us to communicate with one another, see if somebody's fallen, and do lots of preventative talks and play throughs of things that we should not do anymore and have taken over all of the hard stuff, all the things that really nobody wants to do anyway. Do you wanna get your own medicine together? Do you, do you wanna cook or do you wanna just sit down and be fed and enjoy the food? So try to take over the things that were getting a little difficult, doing the laundry, doing the shopping, making the house beautiful, keeping it clean and safe.

[00:03:21] Rayna Neises: That's amazing and I love your attitude about it because so many times there are so many things we can do. First of all, we need to realize we need to do to create that safe environment, but then just mm-hmm. being able to realize that we're just serving them and allowing them Yeah. To do all the fun things in life.

[00:03:37] People often talk about, going back to childlike things and I personally don't care for that metaphor a whole lot, except in this situation, it sounds kind of like they're getting to go back to when we were kids and everything was taken care of, and we just got to enjoy the things that we love. And so I love that picture, that opportunity that you've created for them. 

[00:03:57] Amanda Schaefer: Yeah, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, of course, and it comes with its difficulties and oh my goodness, transitions and , all kinds of fun stuff. But overall, it's something that I would choose again and again.

[00:04:11] Rayna Neises: That's amazing. So I always ask people to share a favorite caregiving story because we all like to connect with that, and I know stories are your thing. So what would you like to share with us? 

[00:04:23] Amanda Schaefer: My, my favorite story? I think it's still my favorite. There's many, but in the very beginning when we were still transitioning from, I'm your daughter to I'm your caregiver and her daughter, which is hard.

[00:04:34] There were some power struggles and there were some little hiccups along the way, and we were having one of those discussions. It was lively. And you know, mom and dad were used to doing things a certain way, and so I needed to step away and I made my boundary. And, and I had talked about that from the beginning.

[00:04:50] You know, sometimes I'm gonna need to walk away for a moment. I created myself a little space outside, a little bench where it's beautiful and sometimes I'll go out there and just look around at nature and take a breath and, and get it reset and come back in. So it was one of those moments they're less of them now, but in the beginning there were quite a lot and I was gone for a while. Got to the point where I felt right to go back in and try to have the conversation from another point of view. 

[00:05:15] And I walked in and my parents are sitting there. They must have been waiting for me. It was so cute. And they're sitting there. My dad has on this giant Russian fur hat with ear flaps, and he's just, Staring like this, and my mom has a giant cowboy hat on. I don't even know where they got them from. And so they're sitting there stoically without saying a word, just staring, waiting for me to come in with these hats on. So of course, as soon as I walked in , I burst out laughing. They started laughing and it was this wonderful memory for us. So it was a, a way for us to meet in the middle that it was so wonderful that they figured out something that they wanted to do to make me smile and to start over. 

[00:06:00] Rayna Neises: I love that. That's so amazing because sometimes we forget how much a sense of humor can just totally shift everything. Yeah. It didn't change that you needed to have the conversation. It just put all of you in a place where you just remembered what you're there for, and that's to love each other and to be together, so that's amazing.

[00:06:18] Amanda Schaefer: Yeah. I love that we often talk about being a team, and that has been really helpful. My son is here with me as well, so we talk about being a team. Being on the same team and we even joked about getting baseball hats to wear. Yeah. So that we would remember sometimes because mm-hmm. , it's hard, it's hard to remember there's not one person, there's four people and there's all these different, all these different things that have to happen to make it the best situation for everyone. 

[00:06:47] Rayna Neises: Yeah. And it is important that it needs to be good for everyone. And so many times, I think people who come in as a caregiving role, Becomes so sacrificial to a point that then, that's where the resentment comes from.  [00:06:59] So I love that you're creating this environment that helps your parents be aware of your needs too. Mm-hmm. and that it's everybody on the team is important, so I love that. 

[00:07:09] Amanda Schaefer: Yeah. Yeah. That's been working well. 

[00:07:11] Rayna Neises: What would you say is most surprising about caregiving to you? 

[00:07:17] Amanda Schaefer: Well, I had worked in caregiving for about 16 years with other people's parents. And doing it for your own parents is very different. And I knew that coming in, I knew some things I had healed from, some things I had gone through. And things that I was gonna have to deal with. And so I was prayerful number one before making the decision to come in. And then I was also intentional. Knowing where I needed to set boundaries, things I needed to talk about ahead of time, and things I needed to do to keep myself safe and healthy so that I could be the best caregiver for my mom and dad.

[00:07:57] So I did those things ahead of time before I said yes. And then when I got in there, because of the pandemic. We had lots of other moving parts and things that were just, seemed like they came out of nowhere. And that made it really difficult. So I think number one, having your own personal story already with the people that you're caring for can be difficult. But if you're intentional and thoughtful, and try to be healthy and you've worked on yourself and you know how to do that, then it can be done and can be done well. And honestly, I think that that's a blessing in itself. How cathartic to be able to bring goodness back to a situation that maybe wasn't always good.

[00:08:40] And to take the healing things that God has done in my heart and use them as a blessing in that very same place where I struggled. I think it's been just a, a dance, it's been this beautiful dance where sometimes, you know, I'm being led and other times I'm leading. And yes, it's difficult, but I, again, I wouldn't trade it for the world. [00:09:01] What an amazing experience.. 

[00:09:04] Rayna Neises: So wise, and I do think that is one of the big keys as I talk to people who are in caregiving seasons and are struggling. It is so many times baggage from the past. Mm-hmm. , especially in those relationships, the longer relationships lasts, which no one has known you longer than your parents.

[00:09:23] other than God, right? . And so, yeah, it's like that is going to have some stuff and if we aren't faithful to deal with that stuff, then it will rub. And I think sometimes people have a lot of guilt because there's been this very difficult relationship and they still want to be able to help or be able to be a support but the healing hasn't happened.

[00:09:45] So wise to take that time to have the healing happen in those areas that need to be done before you put yourself in this situation where, especially 24 7, because with Covid you were definitely in a place where, there was so much that suddenly it wasn't just transitioning to this new situation, but it was also, you can't go anywhere else.

[00:10:07] You did such a good job of dealing with your issues before you moved into it, but then you were in the middle of covid, so it wasn't even like there was space or, or you couldn't even escape. So that had to have been really challenging.

[00:10:18] Amanda Schaefer: It was, and my parents were the group of people that was most susceptible, and so there was a lot of anxiety. No one really knew what was going on. Here I am doing my best to follow all protocols, which changed every day, but they were very anxious and so trying to go along at the pace of what was their deisre, You know, do you want a vaccine? When do you want the vaccine? Do we get boosters before we were vaccinated? Do we have visits from other family members? How do we make that work? Do we wear masks? So there was a lot of things to figure out, but we did it together. 

[00:10:57] And even the things I've done around the house to make it more homey, make it safer. I have never just gone in and done. I've said, Hey, this is what I'm thinking. What do you think about that? And included them in the plan so that it was their home still and not me coming in and changing their home. 

[00:11:15] Rayna Neises: So important, having that respect and that honor back and forth, no matter. I think sometimes, again, as caregivers, the tendency is to come in and take over and just lay it all out and make it all work. Mm-hmm. . But what really does work is that teamwork side of it and being able to work together. So those are some great examples to challenge us to maybe look at our situations and see how are we handling those. It all comes to that communication is such an important piece. 

[00:11:40] Amanda Schaefer: Yeah, absolutely. 

[00:11:42] Rayna Neises: So share with us how has God shown up for you in this caregiving season?

[00:11:47] Amanda Schaefer: Oh my goodness. How hasn't he , ? I'll believe he showed up by first asking me to go, you know, honor me, honor your parents, go into this open-ended time. That really there's no parameters to, it's not as if I'm signing up for a two week missions trip and I know what to expect. , I have no idea. We've been three years in, we don't know how many more years.

[00:12:09] We don't know what different kinds of situations we're going to have but to take each one with Him. . And I think that he has worked so much on my heart. He has cleaned out a lot of the clutter. He has worked on some places where maybe I thought it was healed, and he's showing me, no, you weren't.

[00:12:27] Mm-hmm. , I brought you here. Let's make the most of it. And so, Instead of getting upset or going back to prior ways of being. I've learned how to grow and how to let him be in charge and how to go to him when I feel overwhelmed or I don't know what to do or something seems unfair and work it out there.

[00:12:49] And I think that the maturity level that I am experiencing now versus when I moved in is already so much, so much greater. and I would hope that it would continue to be so I've, I've found it to be a very beneficial process for me. Very much so. 

[00:13:07] Rayna Neises: It's amazing how we don't really know. How we need to grow until he's showing us. And I think that's one of the things about caregiving most of all, is just the opportunities of growth and how many different ways we would never have expected to be put before us that we need to grow in. And I always say grow closer to him as well. That's what it's all about, is really that dependence just increases because like you said, there's not many things in life that we enter into with no goal to get somewhere, or a timeline or a progress, even a progress line.

[00:13:45] There's not really even any. We can make benchmarks as we go, have celebrations of things and growth, but knowing when we're getting to the end is not like it is in anything else because getting to the end means that we've walked them all the way home and that doesn't feel like a goal necessarily as we're we're in the progress. So it can be really different than other situations. 

[00:14:08] Amanda Schaefer: Absolutely. And look at the examples in the Bible of how God works. We're looking at clay that's being worked on a. Okay, we're looking at pruning. That does not sound like it's gonna be comfortable. We're looking at taking gold and purifying it over heat and taking all of the yuck off and doing that.

[00:14:28] I think it's seven times before it's, it's actually purified, so, The examples that we have should remind us that, yeah, this doesn't always feel great, but what he's doing is for our best. And then when we're more usable, we're at our best, then we're more able to serve the way that he would serve.

[00:14:46] Because caregiving comes from that agape love. It's that compassionate s like sacrificial love that joins someone in their suffering or their burden. You know, it's this love in action and it's more than just feeling things. You have to get to the point where you can do it. And so we're meant to love like Jesus.

[00:15:09] And I think caregiving is one of those wonderful times where we get to love like Jesus and it's not something we have to do, it's, it's something we get to do. And 

[00:15:22] Rayna Neises: again, perspective so important in that I often share in support group that we are the hands and feet of Jesus here with our loved ones. And so yeah, it is that opportunity to really get out of the way and serve them in the same way that he would serve him. He was here with hands and feet, so I love that. Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:15:40] What would be one thing that you would share with our audience for them? A little nugget of wisdom or just something for them to take away?

[00:15:46] Amanda Schaefer: I would say that if I was gonna point you to anything, I would point you to Jesus, because that's where all the wisdom's gonna come from. I would say learning how to respond instead of react is one of the key things. And, and that comes from having the fruit of the spirit, being able to be patient and kind and gentle and loving. And, you know, it, it, it takes time. But I think it's so easy to react and when I take the time to respond, when I either remove myself, Quiet myself, in the moment, whatever choice I take at that time. When I do that, I give myself a moment. I kind of ask God what I should be doing. You know, Jeremiah six says, stand at the crossroads and look, ask where the ancient way is. Ask where the good way is and walk in it. Mm-hmm. . And it implies God's gonna answer and it implies there's a good way and it's his way. So I, I like to try to do that, but if I feel that I'm ready to react, I will remove myself. And then I'll think about it and I'll pray about it. And why, what is the root reason?.

[00:17:00] Why I'm feeling that way. And then I try really hard to look at my parents and say, what are they experiencing in this conversation? Where are they coming from? Because Romans tells us to be at peace as much as we can on our, with our own ability, with everyone. So I think part of that is not having an agenda and being open to what does that other person.

[00:17:23] That's how I can love them. That's how I can be at peace with them. Do I need really, whatever my thing was? No, most of the time, not most of the time. It's silly. So that, that's what I would say. It's hard to do. But the boundaries is a big part of it. And also being quick to listen and slower to speak.

[00:17:43] Mm-hmm. . 

[00:17:45] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Reactions are nature. But learning to have the spirit help you, not to react, but rather, you know, really take that moment and be intentional. As you said earlier, I think it is a sign of our growth and it is one of the, definitely one of the things we grow in because there's so many opportunities in caregiving.

[00:18:07] We're rubbing up against people so closely all the time that it's giving us the opportunity to really stop. And like you said, take that deep breath and make sure that the next thing is what we really want, not just that knee jerk reaction. So that's great wisdom. 

[00:18:22] Amanda Schaefer: Absolutely. Absolutely. And the other thing, if I could say more than one thing would be Yeah. to be preparatory. So to really think things out. So when I moved in with my parents, they were way more able than they are three years later. Mm-hmm. . So I thought ahead and I tried to help them learn things that they needed to know, like how to get up from your chair, how to sit in your chair, things that they could do more easily when I first moved in, but as their muscle would begin to get weaker. You know, just try and get them thinking in a new way. This is how I walk now with my walker. This is, I don't bend over anymore. I ask someone for help. Those types of things. So I think that it's really helpful if you know you're in for possibly a long haul, to try your best to teach them as much as you can about what's safe so that they can retain.

[00:19:14] Rayna Neises: Yeah, definitely. The earlier the better in those things. And I even just as you were saying that, I was even thinking for myself of some of the things that I've gotten to a point of saying, yeah, I could pick up that 50 pound bag of dog food, but should I , 

[00:19:29] Amanda Schaefer: should I right ? 

[00:19:31] Rayna Neises: It's a whole different question. That comes to, for all of us, our human. Of just, it's difficult to age, it's difficult to not be what we once were in, it is physically. And so I think having those conversations and really just helping to prepare them to start thinking differently, that's really wise. And I do, I think one of the most important things about caregiving is not to be sucked into it or drug into it, but to be intentional about stepping into it. Yeah. So many times as I talk to caregivers, they jump in and then they're so overwhelmed because the need only increases, especially when we're caring for aging parents. They're not getting younger, so their abilities are going to decline. That is what it is, and so that means that their needs are going to increase if we are the only one meeting all of those. We're usually gonna find the end of ourselves way earlier than we expect. So being intentional. Yeah. And really planning. But I love that even thinking beyond that of just, what things will make it easier in the long run. Mm-hmm. for them as well. So. Well, I, Amanda, it's been great to be able to talk with you and just have you share your wisdom with my audience.

[00:20:46] I would love for you to tell us a little bit more about the podcast and how they can learn more about and have an opportunity to listen to. 

[00:20:52] Amanda Schaefer: Well, thank you. I've loved being here. I love getting to talk about this season because it's unlike any other season that I've ever had, and I'm sure I will always remember it with great fondness. My podcast started because I did say yes. It's funny. I had written two books. I was beginning to speak. I thought I was doing what God had for me, and I moved in took over this new season and during that time we were cut off from church. We were cut off from people. I couldn't even hug my own daughter for a year and a half and my son-in-law because I lived here and we didn't have vaccines yet.

[00:21:26] So it was a, a really insular season for me, and I am quite the gregarious, outgoing connection kind of gal. So this one day I was spending time with God and I said, I don't feel right. I'm not sharing the gospel. I'm not connected. I just, I don't feel like myself and I need to be myself to do this. And I felt like he said, there are a lot of ways to tell a story. And the next thing I knew, I was buying a microphone online and converting an old closet, which I'm in right now, into a podcast booth cuz we. A 16 hundreds farmhouse and everything is wooden stone here. There are no soft spaces. So I created one and I committed to God that if he brought me the people, I would share people's stories in order to share his story, and He has, it's been amazing.  [00:22:18] I had never even listened to a podcast before I started. I had no idea what I was doing. But God did and I trusted him. So I get to share people's amazing stories. As a matter of fact, you are on my podcast coming up. I get to share all these amazing stories. I've gotten connected with so many wonderful people who are following their calling, and I get encouraged every single time I get to hear one of these stories.  [00:22:42] I've been able to share the gospel. God has taken this podcast into. I think right now it's 86 countries in about 1500 cities all over the world, from a closet in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. When we were completely cut off, he took me into all the world because my heart was to share his goodness during a time where people needed to know there was hope, there was goodness there.  [00:23:05] There is this God who even in the midst of difficulty, even in the midst of the worst things, he's there and he's good, and he's able to care for you.. 

[00:23:16] Rayna Neises: I love that. And so A Cup of Gratitude is available on all major podcast platforms. And you have a new radio program as well? 

[00:23:25] Amanda Schaefer: Yeah. Well it's the same podcast, just a station had picked it up. So yeah. That's great. You never, you never know what God's going do, . 

[00:23:32] Rayna Neises: You don't. We love it. We love it. So thanks so much for being here today. We really appreciate. 

[00:23:37] Amanda Schaefer: Thank you for the opportunity. It was so great to talk with you. 

[00:23:41] Rayna Neises: Well, listeners, thank you for joining us today for Stories of Hope from Amanda.

[00:23:45] This episode has been brought to you by Content Magazine, an electronic quarterly magazine available today to help you find God in your caregiving season. Take a moment to take a deep breath, find Him, and then jump back into your caregiving life refreshed. It's available now at www.Contentmagazine.online. A Season of Caring Podcast has been created for the opportunity to share stories of hope for living content, loving well, and caring with no regrets. If you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.