[00:00:00] Welcome back to A Season of Caring Podcast where we share stories of hope for family caregivers, and remind you that even in the hard seasons, God is right there with you. I’m your host, Rayna Neises.

Before I jump in, I wanna ask you something. Have you ever been surprised by what caregiving brings out in you? Not just physically, because yes, caregiving takes time and energy and planning and patience, and sometimes it feels like a full-time job even when you already have one. But I mean, emotionally caregiving has a way of stirring up things you just didn’t see coming.

Sometimes it’s grief. But not the kind of grief that people understand because your loved one is still alive and you’re still showing up and doing the next thing, and from the outside it looks like you’re fine. Sometimes it’s pressure, pressure to [00:01:00] get it right. Pressure to be strong, keep everybody happy, keep things moving.

Pressure to make the decisions that don’t have a perfect or even an easy answer. And sometimes it’s growth. The kind you didn’t ask for and you did not want, but you look back and realize that somehow God has been shaping you right in the middle of the hard.

So that’s what we’re gonna talk about today, the grief that caregivers carry, the pressure that can weigh us down, and the growth that God can bring even in this season, the one we never ask for.

So I hope by the end of this episode you feel more understood, a little steadier, and maybe even a little more hopeful.

I’ve shared my story before, but I wanna go ahead and share with you. Caregiving. It isn’t something that I discovered as an adult. It’s been a [00:02:00] part of my life for as long as I can remember. It started when I was just 16 years old, which is such a young age even to understand the weight of illness. But that’s when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. She lived at home for 12 years before she passed away. 12 years. It’s a really long time, and the truth is because I was so young, I don’t know that I fully understood what I was losing.

I didn’t have an adult perspective yet, or even know what it was like to have a mom who could fully guide you through high school, dating, adulthood, marriage, all of those things because she was sick through so much of that. After about three years, my mom became nonverbal. She was only able to just talk gibberish, So the mom, I knew the conversations, the comfort, the everyday connection, so [00:03:00] much of that just disappeared . And at the time I think I just adjusted because you do, don’t you? You survive. You keep going. You do what needs to be done, and you don’t even really have time to think about it or how you feel about it.

But years later, I realized something that I think is important for caregivers to hear. Just because you adjusted to the loss doesn’t mean you didn’t carry it. Sometimes you don’t realize what you’ve lost until later, and then it hits you in a new way and you realize it mattered more than you understood at the time.

Seven years after my mom’s passing, my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two, and he lived for 14 years. He had a lot of really good years. My dad and I, we were really close. We worked together. We owned a business together. He was an accountant and he helped guide me through the decisions that helped make our business successful. I leaned on him. [00:04:00] I trusted him. I valued his wisdom until he just couldn’t offer it anymore.

And I’ll tell you, watching that shift was hard in a completely different way . Because with my dad, I knew what I was losing. I knew what it meant to have his steadiness, his insight, his ability to help me, think through the really big decisions of life. Eventually, I found myself stepping into his care in a very hands-on way,

You know, driving that 220 miles from home, to stay three days a week. Structuring my work, rearranging my schedule, making decisions. Adjusting plans, figuring it out as I went, I realized caregiving just didn’t ask of my time. It really ask of my whole heart and my whole life. Yes, there were moments that I felt strong and capable, and there were moments I felt completely undone.

But through both of my parents’ journeys, I learned something that I want you to hear today. [00:05:00] Caregiving is not just about what you do, it is about who you become.

It’s one of the places where God has met me in the deepest and most unexpected ways. That’s why this podcast means so much to me.

Even in the hardest chapters I’ve seen that God still writes stories of a hope, even when the story doesn’t look anything like what you would have chosen it to be. , I know that some of you are caring for someone who’s living with dementia. Some of you’re caring for spouses with cancer. Some of you are caring for children with special needs. Some are caring for an aging parent, which is chronic illness, and some are walking through mental health, caregiving, No matter what kind of caregiving you’re doing, I believe there are some emotional themes that show up again and again. And today we’re gonna talk about three of them.

Grief. Pressure and Growth.

Let’s start with grief, because I think caregivers carry a kind of [00:06:00] grief that goes completely unnamed. When grief goes unnamed, it can start to feel like heaviness, that you can’t explain like you’re tired in your soul, even when you’ve technically slept and you can’t quite put your finger on why everything feels so heavy.

A lot of people think grief only happens after someone dies, but we as caregivers, we know better. Caregiving often comes with what I call layered grief. Grief doesn’t just show up at the end. It shows up in the middle. It shows up in the every day, in the slow changes, the missed moments, the shifting relationships, and the little losses no one else sees.

I wanna name a few of those because I think if you’re listening today, you might recognize it in yourself and you might find it to be helpful. Grief of the person that they used to be. Sometimes you grieve the person [00:07:00] your loved one used to be, even while they’re still alive, even while they’re still sitting in the same room with you. Even if they still smile at you, you know who they used to be and the relationship you used to have it’s just changing. The conversations are changing. The roles are different and you can’t go back to what it was. That is a real loss.

Grief of what you thought your life would look like.

Caregivers also grieve the life they thought they were going to have, the retirement that you imagined and even planned for, the empty nest that you knew was coming the slower pace. Freedom, the ability to just do what you want without thinking through schedules and medications and appointments or emergencies. Suddenly your calendar is full of things you never ask for. [00:08:00] That’s grief.

There’s grief of time and freedom.

Some of you grieve your time. You grieve your flexibility. You grieve being able to be spontaneous or just leave the house without planning like it was a military operation, right?

There’s also grief of relationships changing.

Some of you grieve the way caregiving has changed your relationship. Maybe your siblings don’t help. Maybe your spouse doesn’t fully understand. Maybe even your friends don’t know what to say. People might even stop calling. Not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to enter into this kind of hard, that can be really lonely, and that is grief too.

Grief is losing parts of yourself.

And one of the deepest griefs it’s when you realize you’ve lost pieces of yourself along the way. [00:09:00] The things that used to make you feel like you reading, journaling, laughing with friends, they just disappeared. Maybe you stopped going out or stopped dreaming. It didn’t happen overnight. It happened so slowly that one day you looked up and you think. I don’t even recognize my own life anymore that it’s grief.

I want you to hear this clearly. Grief is not a lack of faith. It is not weakness. It’s not something that you have to apologize for. It is the price of love. The Bible doesn’t shame grief.

Jesus didn’t shame grief. Scripture tells us in John 11:35, the shortest verse in the Bible, but one of the most powerful Jesus wept. If Jesus could stand at the tomb of Lazarus, knowing full well he was about to raise [00:10:00] him from the dead and still weep, then you and I can weep too.

You can grieve, you can cry in the car or in the shower. You can cry in the middle of the night. You’re not failing spiritually when you do. Psalm 56: 8 tells us, you keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all of my tears in your bottle. I love that verse because it reminds me that God is not distant from my pain. He knows. He keeps count. He doesn’t waste our tears.

All right, let’s take a look at pressure now. Because this is something I think almost every caregiver understands, whether we talk about it or not. Caregiving comes with pressure, and it’s not always pressure we put on ourselves. Sometimes it’s pressure from family or pressure from doctors, or pressure from [00:11:00] expectations or culture or the way that we think things should be. Oh, those shoulds, they get us in trouble all the time.

Sometimes it’s just the weight of realizing that your decisions matter and you’re trying to do the best you can with information that is incomplete because caregiving, rarely gives you a clear roadmap. Even if you’re a caregiver who tends to make decisions with confidence and you don’t really sit around feeling guilty all day, you might feel the weight of pressure. Pressure shows up in thoughts like, I hope I’m doing this right. What if my family disagrees? What if the doctor doesn’t listen? What am I gonna do when things get worse? What if I miss something important?

Caregiving decisions are rarely simple. They’re really layered. They’re emotional. They’re expensive. They involve a lot of other people, and they involve changing needs.

[00:12:00] Sometimes you’re not choosing between good options. You’re choosing between two hard options, and you’re trying to pick the one that protects dignity and safety and quality of life. That is pressure, but the truth is, I just because a decision is hard doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong one.

And just because you feel pressure doesn’t mean you’re not strong. Sometimes pressure is simply the evidence that you care deeply. Here’s where faith becomes such a gift, because pressure tells you that everything depends on you. Pressure tells you that you have to hold it all together. That if you make one wrong move, everything will fall apart. But faith, faith reminds you, you are not the savior, you are not the healer. You are not the one who holds the whole world together. Thank heavens, right? God is the one [00:13:00] who does those things. Sometimes the most freeing moment in caregiving is when you realize that you can be responsible without believing that you have to be in control. That’s surrender, and there’s nothing sweeter. Let me tell you.

Surrender is not giving up. Surrender is giving God room to carry what you were never meant to carry. 1 Peter 5:7 says, cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. I love that verse because it doesn’t say cast. Some of it, it says all. Even the pressure, even the decision fatigue, the stress of not knowing what’s next, the emotional weight of being the one who has to make the call, it’s freeing to be able to just cast it on him.

Now I do wanna say something here, because sometimes caregivers confuse pressure with spiritual responsibility. There’s a difference between [00:14:00] conviction and condemnation. Sometimes caregivers confuse pressure with guilt. Conviction from the Holy Spirit is not the same as guilt. Conviction is usually clear, gentle, and it leads you toward peace. Condemnation or guilt is heavy, chaotic, and it leaves you feeling like you can’t breathe.

Romans 8:1 says,” there is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If you’re carrying pressure that feels like condemnation or guilt pressure, that feels like you’re never enough, that feels like you’re failing no matter what you do. I want you to know that is not the voice of your father.

That is not God. God leads, he strengthens, he guides, he doesn’t crush.

[00:15:00] So here’s a question I’ve learned to ask myself when the pressure starts rising, instead of asking, am I doing this perfectly? I ask myself, am I being faithful with what I know today? Caregiving is a learning process. You make the best decision you can make with the information you have. You watch what happens. You adjust, you pivot and try again. You just keep moving forward. It’s the only way to live without regret. It’s not failure, it’s wisdom. That’s leadership, honestly. That’s caregiving.

Okay, now let’s talk about growth. I wanna tread carefully here ’cause I know when you’re in the thick of caregiving, it can feel insulting when someone tries to slap a spiritual bow on your pain and just act like everything is great. After all, God’s using it, right? Like that’s supposed to make it feel easy or okay when it hurts, [00:16:00] it doesn’t. Growth doesn’t cancel grief. Purpose doesn’t erase pain, but I do believe with all of my heart that God does not waste caregiving seasons even when we wouldn’t choose them. God is still working.

God grows our character in our caregiving. He grows our patience, humility, endurance, compassion, empathy. It grows our strength. To a point that we didn’t even know we had that much strength. It grows dependence on God because caregiving will bring you to the end of yourself. 2 Chronicles 12:9 says, my grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect. In weakness. Caregiving reveals weakness, but it also reveals growth.

God also grows our faith. Caregiving strips away the [00:17:00] illusion of control. Without a doubt. That’s where faith becomes real. Faith isn’t trusting God when everything is going well. Faith is trusting God when it doesn’t make sense. When the diagnosis doesn’t change, when the decline continues and the prayers are answered differently than we hoped, even when we’re tired and lonely and we don’t know what’s next. That’s when faith becomes a lifeline, not a quote.

God also grows our identity in caregiving. It can try to consume your identity completely. It can turn you into the nurse, the advocate, the planner, the coordinator or the driver, the one who holds everything together. If you’re not careful, you start to believe that’s all you are. But caregiving, it doesn’t define you. It’s a role. It’s just a season. You are still who God created you to be. You are still a daughter of the [00:18:00] king. You are still called. You are so loved, and you are still more than what you do.

God also grows our love in our caregiving. It stretches love to a point we never even imagined. It teaches love that isn’t convenient. Love that isn’t even noticed. Love that doesn’t come with a thank you and love that doesn’t seem to be appreciated at all sometimes. That is Christlike love. That is the kind of love Jesus modeled.

Honoring your parents without losing yourself. I wanna speak directly to those of you who are caring for your parents because this is such a tender space, and it’s one that I understand so deeply.

Exodus 20:12 says, honor your father and mother. That command matters. It’s sacred. It’s biblical, [00:19:00] but honoring your parents doesn’t mean you disappear. It doesn’t mean you destroy your health or you never rest, or you ignore your own family, your calling, your responsibilities, or even your limits.

Honoring means you treat them with dignity. It means you show up with love. You make wise decisions even when those decisions are hard. Sometimes honoring looks like stepping in. Sometimes honoring looks like stepping back. Sometimes it looks like home care. Sometimes it looks like bringing in help or assisted living or memory care.

It can look different for everyone in every situation. I wanna clearly say, because I know some caregivers need to hear it. You can honor someone and still have boundaries. You can honor someone [00:20:00] and still ask for help. It is still honor to have a life. In fact, I knew my dad would be upset if I gave up all of my life. He loved my marriage. He loved my life on the farm with my husband. He would not have wanted me to sacrifice that to care for him. I knew that Jesus modeled this beautifully. Jesus loved people deeply, but he also withdrew to pray.

He didn’t meet every demand. He didn’t chase every expectation. He stayed anchored in what the father asked him to do. That’s such a good reminder for caregivers because you can love fully without trying to carry what only God can carry.

So now let’s take a look at some practical ways to walk through grief, pressure, and growth. These are steps because I want you to leave with [00:21:00] something you can use something you can actually apply. So if you’re thinking, okay, Reyna, I feel this, but what do I do with it? Here are a few things that can help.

Step one, name your loss, name what you’re grieving. Sometimes we feel heavy and we don’t know why. So I want you to ask yourself, what am I grieving right now? And if you don’t know, ask the Lord. He’ll tell you. Is it your loved one’s health, your marriage, your independence, your time? Could it be your just energy or finances or friendships or even the future you thought it would be Naming it doesn’t make it worse. It really doesn’t. It just makes it real. And God can meet you in the real.

Step two, identify the pressure you’re carrying. Ask yourself, what pressure am I carrying that doesn’t belong to me? Not all pressure is yours. Some pressure belongs to other people’s [00:22:00] expectations. Some belongs to culture’s ideas about what caregiving should look like. Some belong to family members who criticize but don’t contribute. Some even belongs to the idea that you’re supposed to be doing everything perfectly. Sometimes the most freeing thing you can do is simply say that pressure is not mine to carry.

Step three, ask for help in one specific way away. Caregivers often say, I need help, but people don’t know what that means. So try something like could you sit with Mom for an hour on Tuesday? Could you bring me a meal on Wednesday this week? Could you pick up the prescriptions or could you take dad to get his hair cut? Maybe even could you come over and stay with him while I run errands? Sometimes help begins with a small yes, and that small yes can [00:23:00] restore your strength.

Step four, create a rhythm of rest. Rest doesn’t always look like a weekend away. Sometimes rest looks like 10 minutes in the car with worship music before you walk back into the house. Sometimes rest looks like a quiet prayer while you fold laundry, or it looks like sitting on the porch for five minutes and letting your shoulders just drop down. Rest can look like saying no to one more thing. Rest is not selfish. Rest is stewardship.

Step five. Redefine success. Caregivers often measure success by outcomes. Do they improve? Did the medication work? Did the appointment go well? Did we avoid a crisis? But sometimes success in caregiving is simply, I stayed kind, I was present. I did the next right thing. I am still here.

God sees [00:24:00] what no one else sees. God meets you in this season. Now I wanna speak to the caregiver who feels spiritually tired. The one who says, Rayna, I love God. I believe in him, and I’m trying to be faithful, but I am worn out. I want you to remember this.

God has not disappointed in you. He’s not shaking his head at you. He is near. Psalm 34 :18, says the Lord is close to the broken hearted, close, not far, not waiting for you to get it together, not looking for you to stop crying. He’s close. Sometimes God meets us in caregiving in ways we never expected. Sometimes He meets us through the nurse who says the right thing at the right time. He meets us through a friend who texts when we’re ready to give up, sometimes He meets us through a verse that lands like water in a dry, dry place. Sometimes he meets us through strength that shows up in the moment [00:25:00] you need it and you realize you didn’t have it five minutes ago, but God gave it to you right when it mattered. That is grace.

Before I close, I wanna give you a few questions. Because I love reflection and I think caregivers need space to process what they’re carrying.

If you can, you might wanna just pause and write these down, or maybe you just listen and let them settle into your heart. I

First question, What am I grieving right now? What pressure am I carrying that doesn’t belong to me? And where do I need to set boundaries to protect my health and my peace? What is God growing in me this season? Even if I don’t like the process? I want you to remember something God does not ask you to have tomorrow’s [00:26:00] strength today. He asks you to take the next right step.

As we wrap up today, I wanna bring it all together. So we’ve talked about grief, the kind that caregivers carry long before a final goodbye. We talked about pressure because caregiving can feel like one long string of decisions and expectations and responsibility. And even when you’re confident, you still feel the weight of doing the best that you can.

And we’ve talked about growth because even though we wouldn’t choose this season, God does not waste it. If you’re listening today and you feel tired, I want you to hear this clearly. You are not failing, you are not alone, and you are not forgotten. You are not defined by this season.

Caregiving is a part of your story. But it is not the whole story. God is still writing. He’s still redeeming. He’s still strengthening, and He’s still [00:27:00] bringing hope because even in the hardest chapters, God still writes stories of hope.

If you’re in a place where you feel stuck or maybe even overwhelmed or exhausted, just trying to make the decisions and you feel like you don’t even know what the next right step is, I would love to support you through coaching. You can learn more at www.ASeasonofCaring.com. If this episode encouraged you, would you take a moment to share it with another caregiver? If you haven’t yet subscribed to the podcast. Or left a review I would love it if you would do that right now, where you’re listening. Go ahead and do that because it truly does help caregivers find these conversations.

Thank you for joining me for this episode of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers to live content, love well, and care without regrets. If you have legal, financial, or medical questions, be sure to contact your local professional. Until next time, take [00:28:00] heart in your season of caring because there is always hope, even in the hard.