Rayna Neises: Hi. I am Rayna Neises your host of A Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers pushing past the busyness and loneliness of caregiving to see God even in this season. Today, I’m excited to introduce you to Cathy Bennett. In 2015, Cathy Bennett retired early from a technology sales career to travel and then care for her husband Michael, who was diagnosed with a ALS in 2014. During this season, she discovered a love for writing that provided a welcome channel for sharing her perceptions about God’s connection in our lives.

She launched the Faith for Caregivers Facebook Group As a faith community to support caregivers, she met an all important need for the time constrained caregivers by encouraging them in their daily struggles through her devotionals and prayer. The faith [00:01:00] revelations on this journey gave birth to her devotional Faith for Caregivers Emotions. She also leads an in-person caregiver support group at her church.

Cathy is a mother, grandmother, and bible study group leader. She enjoys time with family and friends, all things outdoors and making messes in the kitchen. She resides and thrives in a suburb in Minneapolis.

Welcome, Cathy. I’m so glad to have you here today.

Cathy Bennett: Thank you, Rayna. I am delighted to be here.

Rayna Neises: So I introduced us a little bit to your husband here, but tell us a little bit more of what caregiving for him looked like.

Cathy Bennett: Sure, sure. So, Michael retired right away when he got his diagnosis for a ALS Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Unlike a lot of people who not, are not familiar with that disease, he was, so, he, he knew what he was up against. And then I retired, about a year later. fortunately if there can be good fortune in a, in a terminal diagnosis, Michael, had a nine year journey through that, ALS [00:02:00] disease, which is about two to three times the life expectancy of most people with a ALS And God had a purpose in that extended time, but in the first couple of years, his progression was very slow and so we were. Fortunate that we were able to travel, make some memories together, spend some time with family and friends. But out of that nine years, about the last five years was, a period of what I’ll call heavy lifting from a caregiving perspective. Some people, go through a cognitive decline as far as their progression. For Michael, it was physical, you know, a neurological, decline. So we were dealing with a wheelchair and respirator. a wheelchair van, a Hoyer lift. I joke that I was a heavy equipment operator and,

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Cathy Bennett: qual not really qualified to be so, but you learn, it’s amazing what you can learn. So there was a lot of, a lot of heavy lifting in the last five years of the journey that we had.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, there are so many things we have to learn to be able to step into [00:03:00] those roles and I think that’s one of the things about being a part of this club that we can relate to and so many people who haven’t had to do it, just don’t even have a clue of how all of those things work. I’m amazed at the number of times I talk to caregivers, how even CNAs aren’t qualified to do the things that we end up doing as family caregivers.

Cathy Bennett: It’s, it’s so true. We were, considering some respite care near the end. We didn’t end up, getting time for that, but finding out that, a PCA that would come into the house, couldn’t even do the Hoyer transfer lifts that I would do, they would require two people. And I’m a very small person in stature. I’m like, I do these all day long. But it’s not something from a legal perspective, but it, you know, when we’re pressed into service, it’s amazing. What you learn to do.

Rayna Neises: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So share with us a favorite story of your caregiving.

Cathy Bennett: Sure. When Mike and I, met, and we were married for 34 years, we [00:04:00] were both casual Christians. I’ll say we were kind of perpetually shopping for a home. And, then, and this was before he was diagnosed, I ended up, finding this large, vibrant, mega church, that I, really loved. Mike was less enthusiastic about. About the time, we were considering joining that church, Michael, decided that, even though he had grown up, participating in church and being, an altar boy, he suddenly proclaimed that. He didn’t believe. And I was, very surprised.

Rayna Neises: Wow.

Cathy Bennett: and we kind of lived dual lives from a spiritual perspective. And then I started to carry the weight of this man’s salvation on my shoulders because, of this diagnosis when that finally happened and I was just praying, incessantly for that. and then one day, you know, God just, downloaded, that it wasn’t my cross to bear that, it was only, through the Holy Spirit that, Mike was gonna come back to faith.

And, [00:05:00] so, you know, I just sat down and said, God, you made this man, you know exactly what he was going through in this period of time. So you have to use whatever makes sense to him, right? In this season of life. Mike was a big nature buff, and by this time he was wheelchair restricted and watching television was like one of the only forms of entertainment for him. as he would watch, and he really enjoyed understanding how things work. He had a mechanical mind. And so as he watched these nature shows, I would just drop little seeds and say, you know, isn’t it amazing just how complex the world is? Right? How animals can live in Theara and the Antarctic, and. Slowly it came together for him. So used that extended period of time that he had to finally connect the dots and bring him back to faith. And so that’s a pretty amazing story on our journey. One other one that I’ll briefly mention, we were [00:06:00] near the end of our nine years and I was writing some faith posts on my food blog, which I had at the time. We were, getting close to our wedding anniversary, and I asked Mike one day, you think our relationship is better, worse, or the same ’cause of what we’ve gone through in this caregiver journey? And he sat and thought about it for a while and he said, better, And I agreed.

And I would tell you that Mike was a very competent, very, proud man because he was, you know, he could have built a house single-handedly, given enough time. And I was a very type a corporate salesperson, very project focused. But he became a very humble man in that process, as you might imagine when somebody has to do absolutely everything for you. And he was very grateful as well for everything that, was done for him. And I learned the meaning of sacrificial love and what it really meant to surrender. Because, I knew that God was in control and God just showed up [00:07:00] relentlessly. So those are a couple of my favorite stories of what happened during our caregiving season.

Rayna Neises: You bring out such a beautiful point in. How much as caregivers, the burden of other people’s faith can become so difficult because I was so young and my family did not. Initially we attended church together, but as I got a little older actually, I was the only one who went, so they would drop me off and pick me up. But my sister and my parents didn’t attend church and so when I was 16, my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and within three years she was nonverbal.

Cathy Bennett: Hmm.

Rayna Neises: she lived nine years without communicating. She would gibber or, whatever, but not really being able to share her heart. So I was burdened for her and her salvation. But there was something about, just as I’d grown up with her and was younger, we had more of those conversations that I felt [00:08:00] a little bit better about where she’s stood, but my dad had clearly said in caring for her that he just didn’t know what to believe anymore and wouldn’t profess that he believed in Jesus.

And so that weighed so heavy on me that then once he was diagnosed, it was even more just, ugh, how do I do that? You know, like you said, just that. And that urgency that I need to fix this, I need to do this right. But it was so, God is so good. I was so thankful. He brought Christian caregivers into our life and they would pray with him and they, he would talk to them about those things that he didn’t with me. And so I had an assurance of his salvation, not from his words, but from others’ experiences and from the Lord that by the time he passed away, I know that he had made peace with God and that he knew the truth of who Jesus was. But that can be such a complicated piece and I can’t imagine how [00:09:00] difficult when that was part of your life before and then to have this change.

I would also think that it would’ve been scary to think that his diagnosis and his journey would pull him away from God because, ugh, so hard. But that’s so beautiful that God knows what he’s doing and he doesn’t. Ask me, so he took of it. Right. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that.

Cathy Bennett: Yes.

Rayna Neises: I’m sure as caregivers, there’s many others out there that have that same burden on their hearts and just that encouragement to pray and to trust, that it’s not about us.

Cathy Bennett: God. God made this person. He knows what it takes to reach them.

Rayna Neises: Yes.

Cathy Bennett: that it

Rayna Neises: And we know that that’s his heart. He wants all, all to know Yes. And know when to perish. So, yeah. Thank you for that. That’s beautiful.

What would you say was most surprising to you in this caregiving?

Cathy Bennett: Yeah. As things started to get hard for us, um, the pandemic hit as [00:10:00] well,

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Cathy Bennett: the combination of just caregiving with somebody that has mobility issues and then, you know, that initial stage of the pandemic, right? It was. So isolating, and not only was it physically isolating, but the fact is that you really feel emotionally, it’s isolating.

You feel like nobody else understands what you’re going through, not your closest friends family, or even the person you’re caring for. I remember Mike and I having this conversation one day when I told him that I wanted to create a community of caregivers to help be part of my support structure.

And he is like, well, what do you mean I, I know what you go through. I’m with you every day. And I’m like, you see it from your side, you know, you see it from the patient side and I see it from the caregiver side and it is different. And that’s something that, if you go through a loan and you don’t have faith as part, I don’t know how anyone does. This caregiver journey [00:11:00] without faith,, I,

Rayna Neises: I dunno,

Cathy Bennett: I see people, there are a number of very large, Facebook groups for caregivers, like 20, 30,000 people, that aren’t, faith centric. I mean, they’re just open to anybody to talk about whatever. And there’s a lot of anger and bitterness

Rayna Neises: Despair. Yeah.

Cathy Bennett: and despair.

Yeah. And, and you see that. And so I came to realize just how important my faith was. And your faith takes on a new dimension in every new stage of life. And I will say, hands down this far in life, caregiving is the greatest stretch assignment in faith

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Cathy Bennett: had.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Cathy Bennett: because you are just, you have to dig deep. You have to dig deep. To keep going some days. And so I would say the isolation and just the realization, that faith was essential for my emotional wellbeing. And to know that you had to find people, you, you had to find a community that could relate to you other Christians and caregivers. So those were [00:12:00] some important discoveries for me.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, the isolation is really hard to explain. I’m not sure even, I think sometimes we anticipate that just because there are people present that they get it.

Cathy Bennett: Mm-hmm.

Rayna Neises: And as a caregiver, I don’t know what it is about that season, but it makes it abundantly clear that’s not true. That just because you’re here doesn’t mean your walk is the same.

And I hear from caregivers at times, oh, well you cared for your parents. You can’t understand what it’s like to care for a spouse. And I think there’s definitely a piece of that, that you’re right, I can’t. But we do understand each other to a level that people who haven’t been in the trenches of caregiving don’t get it all. And so there is a lot of comfort no matter what that looks like in caregiving groups. You can find those people that really do understand whether they’ve been there before or in the thick of it now can [00:13:00] make such a big difference to find that support that you need.

I think that’s one of the things that many people feel like they don’t have time for when they do and they need to find the time, right?

Cathy Bennett: Right there. I mean, there’s, I call it solidarity, right? There’s solidarity in someone, just like there are, groups for, grief

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Cathy Bennett: recovering from a, you know, substance abuse, right? You know, somebody else has walked through your season of heart. And so even though their individual circumstances may vary. They know what the failure look like. They know what the redemption looks like. And so there’s a solidarity in being able to just do life with people that have had those experiences. And so it’s just really key, I think, to find your community and, uh, and, you know, do the, the daily, you know, conversations and, and offer support and find support from people that understand you.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, that’s a great way to put it. Solidarity. I think that’s a good way to [00:14:00] put that. You’ve already shared with us a couple of times that you really saw God show up for you. Is there another way that

Cathy Bennett: I have lots of stories. Rayna,

Rayna Neises: Share with us a time that God just really showed up for you.

Cathy Bennett: let, I’ll give you a, I’ll give you kind of a practical one and then kind of more of a, a spiritual one. From a practical side. We had reached a point in, the progression of Mike’s disease. We were living in this cute little turn of the century house. Um, uh, It was just so not wheelchair friendly. And so we knew that we either had to do some major renovations to this house, or we needed to move. And we had, we’d only been there a few years. Um. been Mike’s dreaming to move from the suburbs back to the city where he was raised and to live in this area. And so it was hard, to think about leaving it.

But, at, about the same time we were trying to sell a cabin in the Northwood, Wisconsin. We had been at it for a couple of years. We were no longer able to maintain [00:15:00] it because of Mike’s, mobility issues. We couldn’t enjoy it it just wasn’t set up well for that either. I kept telling everybody, you know, God’s got this, I trust him. He’ll bring the buyer at the right time on the inside, it’s like the duck who’s like, calm above the service and you’re paddling furiously below. I was just so worried, that place was not selling.

And then we had reached this critical juncture. We had these very steep staircases in this old house, and it was like, we have to make this decision. The cabin sold and so now we had the cash proceeds from that sale and we were able to make a decision that gave us more freedom than, if that hadn’t happened, and we were able to make the wiser decision to leave that home. To build a single level, wheelchair accessible, town home, or a twin home. That really served us well for the last seven years of our journey. [00:16:00] So, God’s timing, you know, for years I kept saying, God, come on. You know, we need this. But his timing was perfect.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Cathy Bennett: so that’s, that’s the practical story. And on the spiritual side. I would say it was the fact that, I step away from this very kind of demanding, corporate sales career in my mid fifties, well before I planned, and I’m like, God, what do I do with myself? ’cause in the initial years, my caregiver load wasn’t. Wasn’t very demanding.

Rayna Neises: Right.

Cathy Bennett: that time, God revealed to me, my, desire to write. I’d always been a person that did journals, travel journals, faith journals. I just wrote things down. I processed life that way.

Rayna Neises: Mm-hmm.

Cathy Bennett: So he gave birth to the idea and inspired, which I was just kind of slowly working on, it gave me something to do. I call it in the margins of time, right when I’m an early bird. I’d get up hours before Mike would get up, and so I would work on it then. At the same time [00:17:00] around the pandemic, I decided to create a community online, for faith-based caregivers. And so God took that hard season, what I call the ashes, of my life and really brought beauty from it by just inspiring, these very, real stories, and real conversations that, happen in the book, happen online. There is just beauty and people being able to walk alongside of each other, in this very demanding season. God, just faithfully used that. So I’ve just been wowed by the fact that he’s done that.

Rayna Neises: Yeah, His plans, they’re just not ours.

Cathy Bennett: Yes.

Rayna Neises: It is amazing , how we think it’s gonna look and how it looks, and when. It’s so heartbreaking that it’s not the way we think. The redemption of it is beautiful and it is amazing. The way that you’ve been able to bless others through it has been amazing to see as well.

So [00:18:00] well share with us how you live content, love well, and care without regrets.

Cathy Bennett: You know, it’s been the central theme, right? You just can’t do this thing without faith. Right? And, and one of the things that I realized, especially in that later, very demanding season, I mean, we were very restricted. I didn’t go more than an hour from my home for the last couple of years, which, kept me from family events and, meant family and friends had to come in and visit us, which you really have to change your entertaining standard when people are coming over. When you’re a caregiver, you really have to,

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Cathy Bennett: you have to invite people into your real life.

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Cathy Bennett: as I mentioned, I’d had a food block, so I was used to fussy food and, a house that was. Perfect. And that, you know, it took so much just to get my husband dressed and so I really had to learn to let go, let people bring food over and to just welcome people into this is our real life. And when people [00:19:00] know what your real, existence is, they can step in and support you much, much more effectively. and the other thing that I learned was. That, you have to have a strategy for your weakest moments.

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Cathy Bennett: for me, that was the end of the day, right when you’re the most tired. And it, I had a bedtime routine, which took about an hour. I’d get ready, I’d turned down Mike’s bed. I’d have to do multiple transfers. In that time of day, the enemy just had free reign. ’cause I was

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Cathy Bennett: I was just thinking, tomorrow is a repeat button. It’s like Ground Hogs day. We’re doing

Rayna Neises: Yeah.

Cathy Bennett: and I don’t know how long. Um, and, and so I, I learned that, worship music

Rayna Neises: Hmm.

Cathy Bennett: changer for me. Instead of being, woe is me

Rayna Neises: yeah.

Cathy Bennett: Plug in my little earphones and I’d play, some worship music that would just really speak to me, really lift me up. Um, and, and that really helped. And, [00:20:00] also, the one thing that I could do was take a walk. I would also listen to. Songs or just stream instrumental music and pray and talk to God. I mean, not, you’re not a structured per I’d be like, here I am again, God, what do you have for me? how can you help me through this day? So, welcoming people in, to your real life. Having a strategy for those moments when you know you’re the weakest. So that both God and others can help you through this season.

Rayna Neises: Great wisdom, Cathy. Thank you so much for that. That’s so helpful. So share with our audience how they can stay in touch with you and learn more about your book.

Cathy Bennett: The book is on Amazon. It’s called Faith for Caregiver Emotions. It’s structured a little differently. It’s based on 50 different emotions that if you’re a caregiver, I guarantee you have probably gone through. You’ll find it very relatable and you’ll find a pathway to faith for each of those difficult emotions.

Faith $ [00:21:00] Caregivers is the name of the Facebook group. Just do a search on faith for caregivers, and it’s the number four in the middle Faith number four caregivers. And you’ll find, um, your way into us. Our group is about 900 people. There are daily devotions and we pray for each other and support each other.

So we’d love to have you join us. And if you happen to be in the Twin Cities of Minnesota, we also have an in-person caregiver group at my church, Hosanna in the South Metro. If you join our Facebook group, you can instant message me and we can interact directly as well.

Rayna Neises: That’s amazing. Thank you so much. I love that your book addresses emotions because I think so many books out there are talking about the practical and we need those tips too, but it’s really the emotional process of being able to. Walk through this season and hold onto our faith. Use our faith to help give us the strength when we don’t have it ourselves.

And really to be able to walk all the way out of it. I always say we walk our loved one all the way home, but we also have a life [00:22:00] that we’re called to to continue on as we are still here. And if we don’t care for our emotions while we’re doing that, then oftentimes we have a big mess to clean up afterwards.

Cathy Bennett: And I would just say, you know, in closing, being a caregiver is one of the most important sacred missions I think you’ll ever have in your life, and it’s hard. And you will fail. There’ll be times when you’ll fail. You’ll say the wrong thing, you know you’re gonna be tired and just you’re depleted and at the end of your rope. And so have grace. Have grace for yourself. And I, I like to call it tighten the loop between guilt and grace. ’cause you’re gonna go around that loop a bunch of times. So when you mess up, just. Go to God,

Rayna Neises: Yep.

Cathy Bennett: You know, say you’re sorry to God. Go to your loved one, whoever you might have offended in the process. And just say you’re sorry and you will feel better. [00:23:00] You will then, be living in that realistic redeemed state, and as I said, you’ll get a lot of practice as a caregiver to do that, but have grace for yourself and grace for your loved one. And just seek grace, at every turn.

Rayna Neises: Such wisdom. Thank you so much, Cathy. It’s been so great to talk with you today.

Cathy Bennett: Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate the opportunity.

Rayna Neises: And listeners, thank you for joining us for Stories of Hope with Cathy on A Season of Caring Podcast where we share hope for living content, loving well, and caring without regrets. If you have medical, financial, or legal questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation