[00:00:00] Rayna Neises: Welcome. This is Rayna Neises with the Season of Caring Podcast, where we share stories of hope for family caregivers breaking through the busyness and loneliness of life to see God even in this season . Today, I am excited to introduce you to Tenita Abraham. Tenita is a financial advisor with a passion for guiding and educating others through unexpected financial challenges in life. In 2014, as a single mother, she found herself making the decision to take in her father, at the diagnosis of her father's further declining health. This seven year journey, which defied an unimaginable number of odds, strengthened their bonds and reshaped Tenita's life. Amidst COVID 19, the news came of entering her father into hospice and the expected months left in his life. With the news she decided to leave her corporate career to care for her father full-time, launching entrepreneurial ventures and sharing the latter part of the journey on social media.

[00:01:02] Together they shared cherished moments of singing and dancing, words of wisdom, promoted new business and even his final vacation wish to Maui. Tenita is honored to share this remarkable caregiving journey on the podcast, underscoring the invincible power of love, faith, and resilience. Thanks so much, Tenita, for being with us today. I'm excited to talk with you.

[00:01:25] Tenita Abraham: Happy to be here. Thanks for having me.

[00:01:28] Rayna Neises: So tell us a little bit about your dad and what that last years of his life looked like for you.

[00:01:34] Tenita Abraham: Wow. My dad was a very strong prideful man. And when my mother passed before I even recognized it all that strength that we saw came out of him and I was left with the decision of dealing with my, I think at that time, eight year old son saying, we have to take care of granddaddy. We can't leave 'em

[00:02:03] Rayna Neises: Mm.

[00:02:04] Tenita Abraham: And that planted a seed. That, I mean, you can't really, you know, run from and so through the years, he, he had actually been sick. The year that my mom passed, he got better. And as soon as he got better, my mother went down and then two months later she was gone.

[00:02:27] Rayna Neises: Wow.

[00:02:27] Tenita Abraham: it was a shock. It was, it was, it was tough for everybody. But She had also told me some things that she was concerned about with his health. Just that stuck with me to kind of let me know regardless of what we have or don't have at the time, it's probably what I'm going to have to do at some point. I. So fast forward, she passed. I drove back and forth to my job from Charlotte to Columbia for a while. Trying to balance that out and eventually after feeling like it wasn't working anymore, moved away and started trying to manage both. He had quite a few surgeries, some heart issues, quite a few situations at that point. And even stayed some time with my sister before he came back home. And then it was just, he was just lost without my mother. Like, like in that generation. They're just

[00:03:32] Rayna Neises: Yes.

[00:03:32] Tenita Abraham: lost, but they're They don't talk about things like that. They don't express it. My father always said was like that triple whammy. He's a civil rights activist. He's, he's been on the frontline fighting. I mean, he is got articles and books and stuff written on him for stuff he's done in civil rights. Then he is, I didn't realize until after his death, he was drafted to the military at 14, which is unbelievable. And then, he is a business owner's entire life, so he is used to being in control and a Taurus. So if, if you're really believe in signs or not, if you know a Taurus, you that there's a common trait of being very bullheaded. He always, he's Taurus. It was like the joke. So you add all that together. And being the youngest of three and also a daddy's girl I paid a lot of attention to him because I was not realizing it, but I was not comfortable with the norm of how things are versus how they should be and things like, so I adhere to a lot of the, you have to fight to make this 'cause right is right and you have to let people know that you, things are gonna be right that type of thing.

[00:04:53] But as I got older that he and I bumped heads in that realm. So you never would've thought that we would've ended up from there, from all the times we bumped heads. I even started to join the business for a while and I quit that. Like there were a lot of things throughout the years that I can look back now, two years after burying him and seeing that, all of those things that happened. Even in childhood and growing up that I didn't understand, I didn't realize that those things is what kind of took me to be able to have the strength to ignore when he is kind of going out or I'm the daddy, or you know, things like that. And Because I, I got to point where I was like, okay, I am the sergeant, was, it was a huge transition, but he we made it work. We just, it, we just made it work somehow. A lot of God, A lot of tears. made it work.

[00:06:04] Rayna Neises: I think so many times we as caregivers have this expectation that we're never gonna blow it, or we're never gonna know, make a wrong decision or that it's gonna be easy, know, that we always do the right thing or we always, we, whatever the right thing is. But know, that's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves.

[00:06:21] And the truth is we're all just human. And the person we're caring for is human. And they were that way before they got sick or they aged or whatever. And a lot of times we expect them to be something they aren't capable of. giving up authority whenever.

[00:06:38] I think taking care of parents, you have to honor them as a parent, but there are times that you have authority. You have to take authority in making decisions. And that's hard. It would be hard, it's gonna be hard for me to give up my independence and let other people make decisions, so I know that's hard for them too. I appreciate you not painting the perfect picture. 'cause I think so many times that's what we hear is that it was good and you're thankful for it, but it was hard.

[00:07:06] Tenita Abraham: I ran from it for years. I think inside, I knew the moment my son said that, that, it was happening so much. I even remember in therapy, you know, it was a time where one of the therapists was like, you cannot take care of your dad. And I was like, okay. No. Mm-hmm. and even told him, you're not gonna come even an argument one time.

[00:07:30] You're not gonna come live with me until you're incapacitated. 'cause I can't handle you. We're gonna fight each other and things that. And it was like, and then all of a sudden I had to eat that.

[00:07:41] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:07:42] Tenita Abraham: I had to eat that. And even with that, with some guilt, But just, I hear a lot of people say, well, you know, my, my parents did this, my parents did that. It's not until you actually kind of see them, I think personally from the people that I've already kind of talked through the transition to, it's not to actually see them in that, I guess, childlike manner, for lack of a better word that you get a better understanding of what their intentions were their parenting and how much they um, ' ' cause they're not thinking through how they're supposed to say it to you.

[00:08:26] You know what I mean? They're just talking. Well, I was always proud of you. Or I've, you know, I really talked about this and you know, this and things like that, that are just more lax because now you're not thinking as that parent that has to have this image and, control and things like that, that as you're supposed to technically have as a parent. Now you're the person that I appreciate because regardless of all of that, you're the one that's here.

[00:08:57] And we went from one end to the other and kind of learning kind of what that was like. And I prayed before I brought 'em in, talked to my pastor and everything. Like, I'm so scared, I don't wanna do this, but it means it's gonna mean a lot of sacrifice, especially having a, you know, teenage boy. And then my dad in the same household and I'm raising both of them. And it was hard. You get to the point where you have to take away their control of a lot of things. It's not something you, I. see or, or realize until you sit back and you're looking at them in their quiet moments. And the innocence of everything just kind of radiates. And you get an understanding of this is the human side of, of, the person you're caring for, whether it's your mom or your father. And this is the side that you always loved. You just wanted your love to come in you a different way, but that person was really always there, and the

[00:10:10] Rayna Neises: So for me, with my mom, I was a teenager when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and so I never knew her.

[00:10:20] Tenita Abraham: Yeah.

[00:10:20] Rayna Neises: As an adult to an adult, I didn't, you have a different relationship as a child to your parents, but eventually you should graduate to adult. To adult. I mean, they're still your parents, but there's more evenness in that relationship. There's more give and take. There's more understanding if they're willing to drop their guard. I know when I started hearing stories, from my dad and his sister about how they grew up and how hard things were. I didn't know that when I was a kid.

[00:10:51] I couldn't have processed that anyway. But you know, I literally had no concept of what their life was like until I started to hear those stories as an adult. And I think once you have that adult to adult relationship, you can begin to have more compassion for those things that didn't make sense before.

[00:11:13] Yeah.

[00:11:13] And I think sometimes I hear people complaining about hoarding and that kind of thing, and I, haven't had to deal with that, but I think that there's so much behind those kinds of behaviors. And even for your dad, he fought for all the respect he ever got. He had to fight tooth and nail for it.

[00:11:33] He wasn't giving it up. He wasn't, and that, that, bullyness that strong, hard shell was something that you probably never saw him drop until point in which you were taking care of him. So it's beautiful that you, that you did get to see that, and you did get to grow in compassion and understanding for who he was by seeing the sides, he didn't show you very much.

[00:12:02] Tenita Abraham: Yeah. and I, I didn't know who he was at all until even the things in his past that he had done in the community and all that, you know, you did, did you, for example, he, we were in the hospital and I was upset because it was my birthday and he's in the hospital on my 21st birthday and there's like secret service agents coming in and I'm like, Now, of course, I don't really understand what's going on, so I'm like, and they're like, well, can can you leave the room? And I'm like, no, So have a I'm a little bit of a scene. I'm my daddy's daughter. then the person probably shouldn't say who is, but the person was, you know, and it's like, I don't, do you really understand who your dad is? And

[00:12:54] Track 1: Yeah,

[00:12:54] Tenita Abraham: like, his daddy.

[00:12:55] Rayna Neises: exactly.

[00:12:56] Tenita Abraham: He's daddy. And that's one of the articles that I did in a, in a another And again, our generation of parents are, you know, then have social media that feel like it's okay to actually talk to your kids.

[00:13:09] Rayna Neises: yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, they always kept that relationship and barrier up. And you know, it was funny. My sister and I, my parents were married at 17 and 18 and their first child was born at 36. They had this whole life, you know, before we came into their world. But it was funny, I don't even know how old I was before I realized, actually, I honestly think it was when my mom passed away that I found out she was a career woman. She was a pharmaceutical buyer before she became a mom. And as soon as she had my sister, she quit her job and stayed home. And it was like their life started once we became a part of it. Was the way they talked.

[00:13:49] And it was like it took little tidbits of this information and that information to start putting that puzzle piece together. And I think by caregiving, the humanity is there and that's what we need to be there in order to really be able to serve and love them well, is to really see their humanity.

[00:14:11] Tenita Abraham: Yeah.

[00:14:12] Rayna Neises: And that's seeing the whole picture. So

[00:14:14] Tenita Abraham: Yeah, and I feel like like with what you're doing. 'cause I've listened to a couple of the podcasts since we met. I feel like there's so many people that have not gone through this

[00:14:27] yet.

[00:14:28] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:14:29] Tenita Abraham: It's not talked about enough. The human part of it is not talked about, and with me being a financial advisor before this, I always talk people through it on that side. But who comes in and says, okay, so this is gonna happen, this is normal, this is how you handle it, or is some things to think about. And you know, yes, it's gonna be hard to see your mother of your father that way, but at the same time, there's ways to take advantage of. You know, what you have in that moment and, and find joy in it.

[00:15:04] Like, like you said earlier kind of going to something else you asked earlier. That was the, the biggest part of it with me was somebody said, once found out the, you know, it's like they gave

[00:15:17] him a few months at the beginning of January, 2020, they would document everything and. being that my father was a very, I think part of the reason he wanted to live with me was 'cause we had moved, I was the one that moved away from home.

[00:15:34] Rayna Neises: Mm.

[00:15:34] Tenita Abraham: So at first I was concerned about that. I knew it was gonna catch him backlash because, you know, people don't wanna see him like that. But he enjoyed it.

[00:15:47] Rayna Neises: yeah

[00:15:47] Tenita Abraham: I'm pretty sure people didn't know he liked to sing. you know, Look, people didn't know that he laughed the way he laughed, or, things like that. that's that for I think a lot of people especially our age to see that kind of brings out the blessing in the challenge.

[00:16:10] Mm-hmm.

[00:16:12] I would love for people to get to the point of, taking the fear out of it to saying, you know what I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna just, we're just gonna make it work. And that's the better decision. I mean, with, obviously everyone's situation is different, but that's the best decision to be a part of that transition

[00:16:32] Rayna Neises: definitely.

[00:16:33] Tenita Abraham: than where you

[00:16:34] won't,

[00:16:34] Rayna Neises: Whatever that looks like.

[00:16:35] Yeah.

[00:16:35] Tenita Abraham: right,

[00:16:37] Rayna Neises: Yeah. So what would you say was most surprising for you with caregiving?

[00:16:43] Tenita Abraham: I would say that was really where I learned what the love of a parent was. I think that's what really made me a better parent. In dealing with some of the growing pains, let's say of being the child in the household and especially being the only one. 'cause everybody was already grown. and then coming to being in a position to actually have that childlike relationship. But now he's kind of the child. You know, I can't say that we had a laughing playing, you know, except for when I was really little.

[00:17:22] Um,

[00:17:22] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:17:23] Tenita Abraham: but yeah, it was, you know, at first it started off not something that somebody told to me, but I, I, I decided that the dementia behavior, Or the sundowners really was not who he was, it was the spirit. So when I would get really, anxious and, and start letting it control me or get to me, would just yell at the spirit like, you casting out spirit you won't get that out my daddy. You are not my daddy. Talk to me like that. Or whatever the case may be. And then just like that. So it's, it was evidence to me that once you make the decision and you, you bring yourself back to that decision every time it gets hard. No, is not who you are. You are not my daddy. Get out of my daddy. So I have my daddy back. Then that's the, that was the game changer every single time. That was a game changer. It's hard, but it really would snap, snap him out of it.

[00:18:29] Rayna Neises: Hmm.

[00:18:30] Tenita Abraham: So it was, it was interesting.

[00:18:32] Um,

[00:18:33] Rayna Neises: definitely.

[00:18:34] Tenitha Abraham: but yeah, so there was things that I never would've thought. 'cause I also didn't think through it happening. It was just a reaction.

[00:18:43] Tenita Abraham: Um,

[00:18:43] but I think those, there were things that, and fear and frustration that came, that turned into, you know, a better transition throughout dealing with it to where it got easier.

[00:18:55] Rayna Neises: Yeah. share one story of when God showed up for you in your caregiving.

[00:19:00] Tenitha Abraham: Oh one the entire situation.

[00:19:07] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:19:10] Tenita Abraham: hmm. Okay. I would probably say the time that 'cause like I said, everyone always thought I made it look easy, but it was a moment where I had a procedure done, it went wrong. and I was in the hospital ICU, everything for quite a long time. And while he was away from me, he was in the hospital.

[00:19:38] Oh.

[00:19:38] Which most of the time when I was sick, he would get sick. And that was another attest to the connection that we had regardless

[00:19:43] Rayna Neises: Mm.

[00:19:45] Yeah.

[00:19:45] Tenita Abraham: And if he wasn't with me, if I took a break for so long, he would go into the hospital.

[00:19:50] But this time I didn't know if I was coming back.

[00:19:54] Rayna Neises: Right.

[00:19:55] Tenita Abraham: And one of the things that I said, I remember. And those moments in the ambulance and then trying to keep you awake and things like that, was like, God, this is not, no you, this is not what you called me to take care of my dad. I'm take care of my daddy. You bless me with my son. I'm gonna, I'm gonna take care of my son. I don't know what I gotta do, but you gonna have to, you know, I

[00:20:19] Rayna Neises: Do whatever you do, but would get it done.

[00:20:22] Tenita Abraham: And that in itself, as I started, I had to fight back through therapy and walking and rehab and everything, you know? Now I also got a better feeling and understanding of how he we're both at this point we're Walkers

[00:20:39] Rayna Neises: mm.

[00:20:39] Tenita Abraham: Christmas

[00:20:41] We did, we had a, a race in the hospital with. So it, again, it kind of goes back to the experiences that, that come out of that that just, just turns that leaf. So that, that was one of the, one of the moments where know God showed up was like, okay, not ready. I could take you home.

[00:21:11] I.

[00:21:11] Track 1: Yeah.

[00:21:15] Tenita Abraham: and I wanted to see my mama, but I was like, not like this and we got even closer in that moment 'cause of course he couldn't understand why he home,

[00:21:25] Rayna Neises: Yep.

[00:21:26] Tenita Abraham: And then he, he saw me at the hospital and I was like, wait a minute, what's going on? And kind of had to, you know, do what needed do to keep him calm. But that even that was fun because it was, Hey. And now somebody who feels like, I feel we both can't walk And that was something I always kind of remember that was kind of funny. Like we, I literally was just out of I C U and in a room and my dad is here with his walker and somehow something came up where we decided we're gonna race down the hall cause so much commotion in the hospital, but. Had that not happened, who would've known that throughout all the pain of the fam, even the family around. And my neighbors even stepped up and taken care of the family 'cause I'm big on Christmas.

[00:22:20] Rayna Neises: Mm,

[00:22:21] Tenita Abraham: Um,

[00:22:21] Rayna Neises: mm-hmm.

[00:22:23] Tenita Abraham: and all the other people in the hospital that saw that, you know, that brought them joy just to see.

[00:22:28] Rayna Neises: Yep.

[00:22:29] Tenita Abraham: We're going through this and y'all are really just up in here and making all this noise for Christmas. so yeah, that a God moment.

[00:22:40] Rayna Neises: definitely. So share with us what would be one thing that you would share that helps you to live content, love well, and care without regrets.

[00:22:52] Tenita Abraham: Something I'm still working on. There are a lot of things that I believe we say to ourselves, whether it's affirmations or just cliche things that get to seem cliche, but there are really things that you have to remind yourself in the moment. And that's really the time that's gonna get you to the other side. Like I said earlier, the honor thy father and mother all the days, their lives. And and you learn that's one of those, those short verses that you learn in Bible study,

[00:23:23] Rayna Neises: Yep.

[00:23:23] Tenita Abraham: or when you get trouble.

[00:23:25] Rayna Neises: Yeah.

[00:23:26] Tenita Abraham: Like there's a lot of things that are the seeds that are planted that you may not realize that you need . That's gonna come back up. And you have to be open enough and comfortable enough and rested enough and at least acknowledging that you need to heal enough to accept that. The hardest part of the final year with my dad was everyone's going through so much now and I now I'm trying to bottle up what's going on in my household and there's Covid out there and, you know, trying to be strong for other people again. And I did get to the point where I didn't wanna take breaks 'cause now it's much more risk to have somebody around.

[00:24:21] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:24:22] Tenita Abraham: But when I did fight for those breaks and my dad just said, I want you to live, that made it a lot easier to Make sure that we had a good moment every day. A good, silly moment every day. Whether it was, daddy, what's you watching the market? What's, what stock should we buy today? Or you know, whatever the case may be. He was my office assistant. He did my commercial announcements for when I was gonna go live and talk about something. helped me with packages. Well, he didn't really help, but did his part. helping

[00:25:07] Rayna Neises: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:25:09] Tenita Abraham: you know, it, and having him included in that made it easier for me. And I didn't I, where I thought I was doing it for him, it was really ended up being for us.

[00:25:20] Rayna Neises: Yep, the hindsight's always 2020, but I think that is one of the gifts that whenever in the moment you're doing everything for them, you're serving them. But once they're not here, you realize what a gift that time was because you have that to cherish forever and. Nobody can take that away. And you wouldn't have it if that season hadn't happened and you hadn't stepped into it. So that's great wisdom.

[00:25:47] Tenita Abraham: and everything happens for a reason. If everything happens for a reason. And we're also taught that your, your journey is your testimony to help someone else.

[00:25:58] Rayna Neises: Yes.

[00:25:59] Tenita Abraham: Then not only is that you're healing. it's easier to heal when someone comes to you and says, Hey, you changed my life because I've never known anybody to be as open about, whatever was going on and how it really was and, and how to just balance it all. And I'm not superwoman. I was struggling and I let you know, ooh, that y'all need to pray 'cause but it, I find solace saying, you know what, I helped somebody. So how could you even sit in? Why me when it wasn't, maybe it wasn't about me.

[00:26:44] Rayna Neises: There's a bigger blessing in the midst of it all than what we even imagine whenever we're willing to use it and share it and, give what was given to us, give it to others that understanding and compassion and wisdom. Any one last nugget of wisdom you'd like to share with our listeners today?

[00:27:07] Tenita Abraham: From the caregiver side of things and the one that is used to being in control and having to back down myself to be cared for. Just know that it's a part of life no matter where you are, how much money you make, how much money, you know I mean, at the end of the day, once we start embracing the things that we don't talk about and stop with the, oh, we don't talk about those things and those things don't happen, you know, just like mental illness, like it's, you know, that's our, to me, our biggest deficit as Americans like, or humans like. We have to come together to really address, this is real. This is going to happen. There's no way around it. You can have all the apple cider vinegar or whatever you think is gonna you, but at the end of the day, you're not. Uh, Friend just said me earlier is tough but fair. And just deal with it the best way you can, 'cause you're going to find a blessing in it. In the end, every traumatic situation I've experienced, and I'm not even 50 years old, there's a blessing in it in the end that I could look back on. It still hurts,

[00:28:33] Rayna Neises: Yes.

[00:28:34] Tenita Abraham: I'd rather have the pain with the blessing than then, you know, nothing at all.

[00:28:41] Rayna Neises: Yeah, definitely.

[00:28:45] So as we're wrapping up here, how can people connect with you?

[00:28:49] Tenita Abraham: Right now I am, I am on social media. Probably the best way is Instagram. It's a long name. It's @buildinglegacieswithjoi, with an I. I do have some things coming out that are going to be giving more tips, not only from the financial side of being in this type of journey, but just coming from the personal experience side of it. And I'll be posting some information there for the future.

[00:29:17] Rayna Neises: Okay. Great. So thank you again for being willing to be vulnerable, honest, and just really share how God blessed you through this as well as the struggles. We really appreciate that.

[00:29:29] Tenita Abraham: Yeah. Thank you. It was, it was nice.

[00:29:32] Rayna Neises: Listeners, thank you for joining us today for Stories of Hope with Tenita. This episode has been brought to you by Content Magazine, an online electronic quarterly magazine available today to help you find God during your caregiving season. Take that moment to take a deep breath, find him, and then jump back into your caregiving life refreshed.

[00:29:51] It's available now at www.contentmagazine.online. A Season of Caring Podcast has been created share stories of hope for living content, loving while, and caring without regrets. If you have legal, financial or medical questions, be sure to consult your local professionals and take heart in your season of caring.

*Transcript is an actual recount of the live conversation